Christy Windhausen 6/5/22 Christy Windhausen 6/5/22

Lord, if you are willing…

I want to tell you a story.

There was once a man who lived in a town where being sick made you a social pariah. If you ever got sick, no one would talk to you again. No one would look at you. And no one would touch you for fear of getting your illness. And he understood that, it made sense. The illness traveled by skin. Even he feared touching another person with it.

This man would take all the extra precautions, even more than most, to wash his hands and be on the lookout for the telltale signs of the disease. He would hesitate before shaking hands and sitting next to someone at dinner. Oh, sure, he would smile politely as people would reach across him to grab a napkin, but secretly, he was staring at their arms. Making sure they didn’t have the red scabs that declared death.

This man had a family like everyone else. He was married, as is the social standard, and had children. He loved them, sure. He was a good husband and a loving father. No one could say he wasn’t. But there was always a distance between him and his family. None of them were sure what it was, nor how to break through the wall that separated him from them.

Then one day, as I’m sure you all know what’s coming, he got the disease. He didn’t know how he got it, nor from who. But he woke to find it running up his arms.

As any good germaphobe, he rushed to the sink praying that he had dreamt it. That the red scabs and bumpy skin weren’t really there, but it wasn’t a dream. He went for about a week hiding his marks. He refused to touch anyone: His wife, his children, not shaking hands, and he asked for others to place food in front of him instead of reaching for it himself.

It was at the market when someone noticed. The lesions had grown, spreading larger. They were getting harder to hide and now, he barely felt anything when he touched his arm. So when he bumped into a hot stove at the market, he didn’t feel it. The chef was shocked until he saw the man’s skin that had been exposed from the burnt fabric.

“Leprosy!” The man shouted. Everyone screamed. Women pulled their children away, a few covered their mouths and noses trying to not breath it in. Some men grabbed large pieces of wood, holding them like bats. Fearing for his life, the man ran. He ran to the only place he knew would be safe: The outskirts of town where the other men and women who also had this disease lived.

When he wandered into the homeless community, a few raised their heads, but most ignored him. No one comes to this place for fun. They come here because they’re made to. The man, now ashamed and alone, found a spot by the wall in the shade and sat down.

Years passed. The man had all but forgotten his own name. He would wander into the city to beg for food, steal it if he needed to. Then he’d wander back outside and sit and sleep. He talked to a few people in the homeless community, but they all mainly kept to themselves. No one touched another person. No one looked at one another. It was as if they were as disgusted in themselves as much as the city folk were.

Their lives were over and now, they waited to die. Everyday was a new death. A new grief. A new body to move and bury. A new empty space to claim that was closer to the fire.

The man was in town one day looking for food and decided to sit near the fountain when a woman stopped to stare at him. This was normal for him, so he didn’t pay much attention to it until she said, “Dad?” He looked up and saw a woman where his little girl once stood. The man reached out a hand, but she flinched, taking a step back. With a small “I’m sorry,” she hurried away.

A few paces away stood a man. He had been watching this exchange. When she left, he came over and kneeled next to our friend. Our friend flinched and tried to back up, but couldn’t due to the fountain behind him. “Was that your daughter?” Our friend looked after her and nodded his head. “When was the last time you held her?” No answer. “When was the last time anyone touched you?”

Our friend turned back to this man and started to cry. “It’s been a long time, sir.” The man nodded his head. He didn’t look at our friend with pity or fear. Nor was he angry or disgusted. He saw our friend for who he was and even saw parts of himself that no one else knew of. Sitting this close to one another, our friend wasn’t worried about passing the disease along. He almost wanted to hug this man. There was something so warm and welcoming in his presence.

But the only thing our friend managed to say was, “Lord, if you’re willing, can you make me clean?” He didn’t know where that question came from. All he knew was that he wanted to feel like a man again. Like a human worthy to be looked at and to be touched. And there was something in this man that told him that was possible.

“I’m willing,” the man responded. The man reached out his hand and touched our friend’s arm. With his touch, our friend started to cry. The man pulled him into a hug as onlookers gasped and murmured at the sight.

I would say time stood still, but that might be a bit cliche. It was a moment of healing for this man. It was a moment of true humanity. When a touch, a hug made all the difference. And for those who know the story of Matthew 8, know that Jesus healed this man of his leprosy. That this touch healed him. I’m not sure if this man had a family or if Jesus hugged him. I would like to think so. And I would like to think that after he was healed, he went back home to his family. That this was the moment that started his healing with them. And perhaps, he also started a journey of helping the homeless and those with leprosy because he too had it.

There is so much power in seeing someone as a person. As a human. Even if you don’t agree with them or don’t understand what they’re going through. Maybe their beliefs about sexuality are different or they can’t hold a job no matter what they do. Whatever it is that makes you not like that person, we’re called to love them as they are. We are called to see people as humans. And in that loving, healing begins. Our own and theirs. God is not black and white and he will meet you wherever you are with a great, big hug.

Are you willing?

Christy Windhausen 3/29/22 Christy Windhausen 3/29/22

you don’t have to choose

I’ve written many posts about the first step in figuring out who you are and how finding your worth is just accepting that you have it. Well, sometimes it’s not as easy as that.

Sometimes, you can’t believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says. You don’t think you’re pretty or smart or talented or worth shit no matter how many affirmations you say or how many people tell you that you are those things.

The voices in our heads are killer. They often set us up for failure before we even get a chance to take a step of our own. They’re the voices of our critics, our parents, our teachers, our mentors, our friends, the people in our lives that we valued and who told us we weren’t good enough whether they said it aloud or not. Sometimes they were putting us down and saying such hurtful things without even realizing it, perpetuating the cycle of hurt that was spoken over them by those in their lives that they’ve now internalized as their own voice.

Sometimes, we can’t accept our own worth and don’t have the tools to do so. We get spun into depression and anxiety, self-harming coping mechanisms and addictions to quiet the voices and the overwhelming pressures. We just find ways to survive, no matter what those might be. And that’s okay because that’s how we were made. We were made to survive. Our brains were made to protect us. Even the harmful addictions originally started out as a way to protect us from something much worse.

What I’m trying to say is that in all of this, you don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to think that you can force your way through on affirmations alone. You don’t have to make it on God alone. There is also science and medicine. There is a reason that we have therapists and doctors who can give us the extra push to get through the difficult times. Xanax and God can go hand in hand. A therapist and God can go hand in hand. You don’t have to choose one or the other.

I’ve been depressed longer than I know, longer than I had a word for what I was feeling. I think part of my reason to want others to feel worthy is because I don’t feel it in myself but I know there’s value in it. I’ve seen what happens when others do know their true worth and aren’t clinging to anxiety, depression, fear, or any kind of coping mechanisms. I’ve had a taste of it. It can be beautiful. And to get there doesn’t mean you have to force it on sheer will alone because sometimes you need all your strength just to get out of bed.

Christy Windhausen 2/21/22 Christy Windhausen 2/21/22

it’s not enough…

When we think of scarcity or poverty, we usually think in terms of money. And that’s valid. A lot of people throughout the world are in poverty economically. It’s systemic and can be especially cruel in places where there are huge differences of power. But, that’s not the kind of poverty that I want to talk about.

This kind is much more subtle. It sneaks into the back of our minds in the form of plenty or in the form of good enough for now. Many people know this voice or have met someone who lives with this voice in their head. It’s the voice that says, stay in the job that’s killing you. Don’t take the scary leap by quitting to pursue your dream. You don’t know what’s out there. Stay with the demon you know, not the one you don’t. Go out and keep buying the next new thing, the next new car, the next new house, the next new whatever because they’re never good enough for you. Or, you know, stay in that small apartment—stay in that place that makes sense financially but you hate living there because you know it’s killing you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

The scarcity of the self is an inherent thought that you aren’t good enough. Not only that but that God can’t provide for you if you were to leave your situation. It’s the idea that you have to have control of absolutely everything. And to be honest, we can’t control much. So, when we try to control our worlds we end up in a scarcity mindset, a mindset that we can’t take vacations because we can’t afford it, we can’t ever get out of debt, we can’t find friends or grow our community, we won’t find love, or have kids. We get stuck in these loops only seeing the smallness and how little there actually is in our lives because we’re controlling them.

If we take ourselves out of it, if we take a step back and say I’m not in control. I actually have way more than what I thought I did. Then we can start to enter into a mindset of giving and overflow.

A lot of this poverty mindset does start with one very specific thought: I am not enough. I am not enough for myself, for my friends, for my family, for my work, for my dreams, for my…you fill in the blank. Everything else comes out of that one thought. We try so hard to control our worlds to tell ourselves that we are enough because we have a steady job. We are enough because we can pay our bills. We are enough because we got married before 30. We are enough because we have our own house. Whatever fulfills your enough, it’s still not doing it. Is it?

If it is, then I take it back. But I have a guess that there are still nights that you lie in bed worrying if people perceived you wrong. If you made the wrong choice or if there is a choice you should make.

We were not made for poverty. We were not made to be poor. Now, don’t hear me wrong. God did say that we will have hardships. There’s a few passages that talk about selling everything you own in order to follow Him and that the rich man cannot enter the Kingdom. That is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about spiritual poverty. I don’t believe God created or wants us to be spiritually poor. We shouldn’t be beating ourselves up everyday or thinking “woe is me.” We shouldn’t hate ourselves. At its very simplest, God is love and God made us. Which means we are made out of and for love. How can we show love if we hate ourselves? Love cannot exist in a poverty mindset. Hate and apathy does but not love.

It grieves me to think that out of all the sermons I heard, out of all the Christians I met in my life, only a handful of them were about spiritual wealth. Telling people that they are enough. That God didn’t make them lacking in anything. He made them whole so there’s no need to try to be more than you already are.

And I get it. I really do. The world is not built this way. The world does everything it can to push you down. To tell you that you suck and that the only way you can get better is to buy things or find a numbing method. Emotions exist and people are messy. Christians mess up. People don’t apologize. And in all of this, we have to figure out how to live with ourselves, our traumas, our emotions, other people, other people’s traumas and emotions, the government, the housing market, racism…and the list goes on.

It gets tiring. So, start here. Start with yourself and know this. You don’t have to live in poverty anymore. You are enough. You are not lacking a single thing. You are whole and you are worthy.

Christy Windhausen 12/23/21 Christy Windhausen 12/23/21

And This is Christmas

And so, this is Christmas. And what have we done? Another year over and another begun.

The words to this song will ring through my head over this next week as we step into Christmas and the New Year. This is a time for bright lights, cookies, presents, holiday movies, spiked hot cocoa or eggnog, fighting with family, playing games, or even caroling.

And for some, a time of immense loneliness and grief. The holidays aren’t always cheerful and bright, some people want to get through them as quick as they can, just hoping to survive. I get it. I’ve been there many times.

The thing about Christmas that always seems to strike me and resonate with me is that this is the time of year for forgiveness and welcoming others. The time where we sit in our humanity and realize that we are utterly alone and nothing without each other. And with each other, there is joy and life.

And for those Christians out there who recognize Christmas as the time of Jesus’ birth, it is a time of immense hope. That hope permeates everything, whether or not you are a Christian, you can feel it. You feel happier, lighter, like the problems of the world are on pause. The political unrest and distrust in one another, the killings and the pain, the injustice in the world pause for just a moment. It can start again on December 26, but on December 25, everything can just stop.

This is a time when it seems like it’s almost possible to reach out to those in your life that caused you hurt to try and mend the relationship. That maybe if they respond, it all can be okay again. A time when miracles happen. After all, the Grinch’s heart grew three times on Christmas Day and Ralphie got his Red Ryder shotgun.

We don’t want to stop believing that people can’t be good or that everything will turn out right. This is Christmas and what have we done?

We have had a shit few years, going through this pandemic. No one has had it easy. I have made some terrible choices this past year, many of which I am still reaping the consequences from. Others, I am still learning from so that I don’t repeat in the future. I have lost people that I deeply cared about and still grieve over.

What have I done? I’ve been a depressed, anxious, stressed out ball of misery which wasn’t entirely my fault, but healing from it is. I am trying to make choices to do better, or really, to accept myself for where I’m at no matter what that looks like. Accepting is hard and moving on is even harder.

This time of year expects more out of people than any other holiday. It expects us to attend family gatherings, exchange gifts even if we can’t afford it, cook elaborate meals, attend Christmas services even if we aren’t religious. It expects us to make resolutions and changes. But no holiday should do that. That’s too much to put on ourselves, especially if we aren’t ready or don’t want to change.

Yes, Christmas gives us a chance to make those resolutions and an excuse to be with family and a reason to reach out to people we haven’t talked to in a year, but that doesn’t mean we have to. We don’t have to ignore who we are in order to make others happy.

This is still a time for forgiveness, for miracles, for hope and joy, but it’s also a time for peace during grief and pausing during the craziness to say, “I can’t do that. It’s too much.” And ultimately, Christmas says in return, “You are loved and you are valued because of who you are. You don’t have to do anything to prove it.”

And so, this is Christmas. I hope you have fun.

Christy Windhausen 11/22/21 Christy Windhausen 11/22/21

Enter the Gray

When we’re young, we’re told stories of knights fighting dragons. Of good conquering evil. It always wins. The lines are clearly cut, good vs bad. There’s no middle ground, after all, how could there be? The Big Bad has no soul and only wants to destroy all that is in its path. All the while, the Good Hero is there to take it on in a shimmering white light and a sword that gleams in the moonlight.

But then we grow up and realize, the world isn’t good or bad. The Big Bad can actually be a pretty decent guy that has an excellent taste in friends. And if we really look at the Good Hero’s sword we can see it stained red in all those that he’s killed, murdering just as many as the Big Bad.

Life is pretty gray, no matter how much we want to believe it is good or bad. Most of us, and most of what happens in life, exist in these in-between spaces that aren’t entirely bad nor entirely good. This is where the human heart, empathy, and compassion live.

When we can look at something, someone, or some event that seems God awful and find the brokenness, the human-ness, then we start to see how we too could be led to make those same choices. And then, we can start to see that no one is entirely good or bad.

But, I suppose, we should take a step back. What makes someone good or bad? Is it a definition by culture, religion or the lack thereof, or morality set upon us by the government? What makes someone good? Philosophers as far back as Plato and Aristotle have tried to figure out what it is that causes a person to be morally conscious. Questions like, are we born morally good or not?

These are questions that I don’t have the answer to. I can’t give you quick summaries of Kant, Hume, Aristotle, Plato, Lewis, and Hobbes. That’s not what I want to do. I would like to pose the question and ask for a breath before assumptions are made.

We live in a time where political tensions are high surrounding race, sexual abuse and assault, LGBT rights, immigration, and the list goes on. Why not, instead of assuming we’re right all the time? Instead of immediately thinking that person is wrong and bad because of what they believe or how they look, we take a breath.

Just pause.

I’m not saying to throw out your beliefs or change them, what you believe is what makes you you, just take a breath. And listen to someone who has a different story than you do.

Listen to someone who was assaulted or is an immigrant or lives in poverty or suffers under discrimination. Just listen. You don’t have to change what you believe. You don’t have to assume they’re right. You just have to listen.

The best conversations and friendships are started because people take the time to listen. We all live in the gray and complex issues live with complex people. The justice system in the US is complex because it’s run by broken humans who aren’t perfect. None of us are. The issues start happening when we believe we are perfect and we believe that everyone else should be like us. That’s a type of control that is unrealistic for our lives. It’s an unhealthy control.

The gray gets messy and difficult when you start living in it. When you realize emotions exist there. And emotions are fucking insane to navigate sometimes. It gets difficult when you realize there are some people who use the gray to manipulate others who don’t realize how gray the world is. They see where the lines actually are and tread carefully around them. They push and pull people, manipulating, gaslighting, and abusing people because that’s the way they know how to survive.

But even that gets messy when you take a further step back and start to figure out how they got there and got to be the people that they are. This does not negate accountability. It does not negate breaking unhealthy cycles or bringing awareness to things that are harmful to people. This is only, to take a step back and realize that it’s not about you. It never was.

Living in the US, and speaking for myself as a person who lives with anxiety and depression, that is difficult. We, as Americans, are taught that it is all about us. That we are the center of the world. Look at our media, our maps, our politics, our greatest-country-ever rhetoric. We are taught to be prideful and to always be right. Now, as a broken human and as someone who cares for others, take a step back. Look around you and realize that that is pride. Tell your pride to shut up and listen to someone who doesn’t look like you or think like you or talk like you.

You might start seeing the gray for how murky it really is. And how scarily hard it is to navigate everything that exists in it.

Christy Windhausen 11/1/21 Christy Windhausen 11/1/21

Who We Let In

I’ve been thinking a lot about who we let into our lives, why, and why they leave. Or in other words, friendships.

Living in Southern California has brought a new range of friends that I didn’t really experience, at least not to this extent, on the East Coast. They’re fake friends or friends who are only wanting to keep you in their life for the connections or the potential that something good may happen in the future.

They look a lot like real friends. They seem to enjoy being around you when you both are in the same room, they’re excited for you when you get promoted or succeed, they want to have meaningful conversations with you. But, if you stop and notice they never invite you anywhere. You both just happen to get invited somewhere together or you’re the one constantly reaching out and asking them to do things, even for a cup of coffee. And any of their conversations has to do with work related things. Neither one of you are really talking about your lives, just deeper things surrounding your careers.

Now, I understand I’ve fallen into this too. Southern California is filled with 20-30 somethings all trying to make a career out of their passions. They are all fighting against one another, scraping against the corporate machine to get ahead. It would be foolish to burn a bridge just because you don’t like someone, especially when that person is talented and comes with their own connections. But, friendship and business acquaintance often become overlapped and mixed. It’s common to hear people say, “Oh, I know them.” Or, “Yeah, he’s my friend,” when they’re just talking about someone they met maybe once. It’s even a joke in the film industry that everybody is friends with each other. When in reality, you barely know them.

So, why do we let people into our lives that we know don’t really care about us? Why do we tolerate it? Well, in this instance it’s because there is a hope that that person will help us succeed in career, and ultimately life. But what about in other circumstances?

Growing up, I took what I could get in the way of friends and love. As an adult, that really hasn’t changed. I beg for the scraps of care that people throw my way. Why? because it’s all I know. It’s all I expect from others and of myself. Yes, my own self worth is low but I’ve been trying to build it up. That in itself, is a whole different topic that I don’t quite know how to speak about yet.

But, I know that I accepted what I thought was owed to me, which wasn’t a whole lot. It was people who wanted to use me, people who I could become codependent on, people who had time for me, when they found space in their schedules. Through this, I’d have to learn that people leave, people never actually care about me even when they say they did, people don’t want to stick it out through the difficult times to mend what’s broken and work through the hard things.

Now, I don’t blame or hate anyone who came and left my life. I understand that life is complicated. We all have our own histories, our own hurts, our own traumas, our own codependencies, our own mental and emotional states, our own societal or religious shames and pressures to contend with. There is so much that makes up a person and all those factors press onto friendships. And at this point in my life, I’m too tired to hold anything against anyone.

So really, what does it mean to be a good friend? What does it mean to care about someone’s life, their mental and emotional state, their beliefs, their hurts, their career paths, and hold everything at a distance that’s far enough away that you don’t come across as fake. And not so close that you’re codependent.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention the complexity that comes when a friendship is damaged. Over the last two years, I’ve had so many of my close friends leave my life because of damage between the two of us. No, I’m not without guilt in any of these scenarios. That’s what happens when two people are in relationship with one another - they both have to take responsibility for their own actions within that relationship. If they don’t, that friendship won’t survive. No relationship can survive if both members are unwilling to acknowledge and take accountability for their actions.

Damaged relationships make it difficult to continue. And the extent of the damage often dictates if the friendship is over for good or just for a moment. Often, if the two can’t come together and talk openly and vulnerably with one another then nothing will change. More damage is usually done.

But, admitting you were wrong and saying it is often the hardest thing to do. Even when you are someone who is good at speaking plainly and candidly about things. Apologizing and admitting you messed up can feel like you’re ripping your heart out all over again. Except this is a pain that’s healing. To put your pride aside and say you were wrong mends bonds. Not only that, the biggest factor in all of this is what you do afterwards. Do you change your actions or do you continue doing the same things and hurting people again and again? We should learn from our actions and at the very least make an effort to change. People can tell when you’re trying, so try. Try to change harmful habits and see what happens.

Again, I’m no saint. I fuck up all the time. As I’ve said before, I’ve had many friendships damaged over these last two years. I’m no where great or even good at any of this, but I’m trying. I hope people can see that I am trying to do better. It’s not easy. It’s a task that takes a lot of strength and a lot of tearful nights.

So, what makes a good friend? Well, I’ve experienced it a few times in my life and I feel like I’m always trying to get back there. It’s living in community, really, genuinely caring about each other, living independently yet knowing they are always there when you need them. Someone who wants to spend time with you and wants to do things with you, even if that is going for a walk or watching a movie. Someone who you can laugh and cry with.

That’s my list. What’s yours?

Christy Windhausen 9/15/21 Christy Windhausen 9/15/21

I need a way out

It’s been really hard to write. For a while I was trying to figure out how I could come here and say something encouraging or thoughtful. And there’s none of that in me.

Over the past month I’ve been in a really dark place. Sure, I’m better than I was six months ago but the light at the end of the tunnel. The way out - it seems so far away still.

I’m still drowning with nothing to grab onto. With the option of either letting the waves take me or fight against them. To be honest, I want them to take me. I want everything to stop because maybe then I can start over. Really, truly with a whole new freshness.

But I don’t have it within me to stop kicking. To stop fighting against the current. Even if I just gave in the waves would still be there. The problems and the issues of my day are still there. The people and things that I wrestle with in my mind, are still there.

And breathe.

I forget to do that quite often. I forget to stop and be quiet. To quiet my mind and take a step back.

Breathing is really hard sometimes. Being quiet is really hard sometimes. All I want to do is run, to sleep, to eat, to spend money on the next thing that will make me forget about him, her, it, that thing. Because then I won’t feel as bad about myself.

But I still feel bad. I still feel like shit running in circles with no way to break the cycle.

Anxiety makes my hands shake. Crying makes my nose run. And this heat keeps me dehydrated. All I want to do is go back. Forget that what happened happened. Go back to when debt didn’t exist and my heart was whole.

I need a way out. Please, God give me a way out.

Christy Windhausen 9/3/21 Christy Windhausen 9/3/21

What’s the Difference?

We live in a world where resting is looked down upon or we have a twisted view of it. So let’s break it down.

First, I don’t want to shame or guilt anyone for spending hours a day in front of a TV or playing video games. This is something that I have shame with and am currently trying to break out of. Most of the time, at least for me and from what I’ve seen, these actions are coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms are ways that our brains try to protect us from hard memories, feelings, and life in general. They are ways that help us stay alive. And even if the world, our families, and our friends may look down upon some of them - and yes, some can and do turn into really harmful, toxic addictions - coping mechanisms start out as a way of protection.

But this isn’t a conversation about coping mechanisms, this is about rest.

Rest, real rest is about refilling and replenishing your soul. You need it the most when you feel at your worst. When you feel dried out and burnt out, like you can’t give anymore of yourself. If you’ve reached this point you’ve gone too far.

Rest goes hand in hand with self care. It means taking time to do things that take care of yourself. They are things that help you body, mind, and soul. Yes, this can come out by playing video games and watching TV.

But to know what works best you, what will fill you up and makes you feel better is getting to know yourself. It’s getting to know what actually feels like rest. Not work, not coping, not running away, not numbing, and not doing something just because your friend does it, but actual rest.

Part of the difficulty with self care and rest means that you have to care about yourself. When you take time for yourself, you are showing love to yourself. And let me tell you, isn’t that the hardest thing to do when you don’t actually love yourself? Let alone like who you are?

Self care and rest are the first steps in learning how to love yourself. It’s the first step in speaking up for yourself and knowing who you are and what your body wants. But it’s also one of the most difficult things to do.

I’ve been on a journey to learn self care and how to rest properly for nearly 4 years and let me tell you it’s almost painful when you start because it feels wrong. Especially when you’ve not been resting correctly your entire life. Or if you’ve never felt like you are worth much or if you have any value.

Learning your value and your worth can often take a lifetime, but some little ways that will help are by learning how to rest and how to rest well.

Part of life, from what I’m discovering, is about taking a step back and evaluating what is working for you in that moment. Are your actions leading you to a more fulfilling life? Are they pushing you to grow and strive to do better or are they keeping you in one place? Are you moving towards bodily health? Mental health? Spiritual health? And remember, all these things work together so if you push yourself to grow in one area of your life, another will follow.

And if you are an expert rester/self carer then how can you stretch yourself even more? How can you pour into others or your community or the environment?

I guess a big question is, how can we be better, well rounded humans who love people we know and don’t know, the environment, and ourselves all the while being willing to grow and take accountability for our actions. For being able to admit when we’re wrong and say we’re sorry in order to restore ourselves and other relationships. To spur each other on and grow.

They’re big questions and ones that don’t have clean cut answers because the world isn’t clean cut. We live in the gray, muddied, and confusing world - so, let’s get on that boat together and try to sort our way through it.

But in the meantime, I’m gonna stretch out, look up at the clouds, and take a nap.

Christy Windhausen 8/11/21 Christy Windhausen 8/11/21

To The Third and Fourth Generation

The sins of the father. It’s a saying heard in the church and preached from the pulpit from time to time but do we really know what it means? Well, yes. I believe everyone knows exactly what this is and how it has affected them to their cores.

Now, let me first clarify that I am not blaming fathers or parents in any way. This is not an attack on them for how they raised us or what they did. The “sins of the father” is much bigger than that and has affected our parents just as it affected theirs.

So, where does this start? Let’s start at its source, the Bible.

Numbers 14:18 - “The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and fourth generation.”

Jeremiah 32:18 - “You show steadfast love to the thousands, but you repay the guilt of the fathers to their children after them, O great and mighty God, whose name is the Lord of hosts.”

And perhaps maybe most telling, John 9:1 - “As he passed by he saw a man born blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

The idea of the sins of the father came originally from the Old Testament. It’s the belief that the sins that you do get passed down through the generations, to the third and fourth.

That’s not entirely true as Jesus points out in the last passage. We are all accountable for our own sins however, there are cycles that can and will be repeated if actions don’t change.

Let’s take this out of church speak to elaborate further.

The cycle of poverty. Those in positions of privilege might not think poverty is a cycle, but it is. Think of the old adage, you can’t get a car without money but you can’t get money without a car. It’s the same idea.

Many in situations of poverty can’t break free because they live paycheck to paycheck. Everything they make goes to pay for the house, the car, the utilities, the wifi, clothes for the kids, school supplies, food. It gets to a point that people can’t do what makes them happy or what will be good for them, like take a vacation or only work a 40hr/5 day a week schedule because they have to pay for bills.

And this is under the assumption that they can even get a job. Sometimes poverty is so intense that people can’t afford to turn on the water to shower or buy a bus pass (if there’s reliable public transportation) or buy interview clothes or keep their cell phone turned on. If they can’t do those basic things - think to high school and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - then no interviewer is going to want to see them.

If they can’t get a job or if they live on minimum wage and barely make ends meet, then what is their child going to do? The child will do a couple of things. They could get a job to help pay bills starting as young as 12. They could push their family away and join gangs who will take better care of them. They could dive into school putting all their hopes on getting a scholarship to get into college so they could have a better job and a better life than their parents.

Do you see where I’m going here?

The fact that these parents couldn’t get a high paying job isn’t a sin. It usually isn’t their fault at all - and I’m speaking from experience here. It’s usually a failing of society. Society in itself is not perfect. It fails its populace time and again because it’s made up of faulty humans.

These types of cycles are seen everywhere in every type of aspect of our lives. Part of getting healthier is noticing these cycles and trying to figure out how to break them.

Do we have a cycle residing in the spiritual? This can look like spiritual warfare or a failing relationship with God (or whatever god you believe in).

Do we have a cycle residing in the emotional? This can look like us pushing away all our friends and loved ones or depression or anxiety or using negative coping mechanisms in order to numb.

Do we have a cycle residing in the physical? Are we taking care of our bodies by getting enough sleep, enough water or do we listen to our doctors. Do we go to the doctor at all? Do we even listen to what our bodies are telling us?

Do we have a cycle residing in the economic? How do we take care of our finances? What does our job look like and if we’re unhappy, why is that and how can we change that.

These and many more are all attributes to how we live and how we perceive the world. And as you pull it a part you can start to see how your actions and emotions do affect those around you.

In trying to become healthier human beings we start to break the cycle of the sin of the father, thus protecting our children further down the line.

Perhaps creating new habits that will last to the third and fourth generation.

Christy Windhausen 8/1/21 Christy Windhausen 8/1/21

Are You a Toxic Christian?

The word toxic is thrown around almost too casually today. It’s used in places to mean bad or not great or as a warning to stay away. Stay away from a particular person, place, or thing. That’s not entirely wrong but let’s not belittle this word by using it casually.

Casually using words and phrases when they need and should hold more weight is a discussion for another time.

The Webster’s definition of toxic is poisonous or being very harmful or unpleasant way in a that’s pervasive or insidious. This is more than just bad. It’s really bad. For the longest time it was always depicted as toxic chemicals or a toxic waste dump.

What does this mean? When we use the word toxic in relation to a person or relationship we mean that it is eating us away. It is killing us. Eating away at our mental, emotional, and spiritual health until there’s nothing left. Or until we’ve become something entirely different that we ourselves don’t recognize. Just think of all the comic book stories that start at toxic waste facilities.

So what is toxic Christianity? Let’s look at something similar, toxic positivity.

These two often go hand in hand with each other. When we engage in toxic positivity, we brush past what’s really going on. We smile through the pain and say everything is fine. We stay friends with people who’ve hurt us instead of talking to them and working past issues.

On the outside, toxic positivity seems like a good thing. It seems like the person is happy and that life is good. But, you quickly realize that person can’t reach the deeper emotions of pain, hurt, and anger because those are big and all-consuming and downright scary. So, it feels right to stay up where everything is happy. It feels like the only way you can cope with life is to smile past the pain.

But, toxic positivity brushes over what we’re actually feeling. It ignores our emotions. We dishonor and disrespect ourselves when ignore our emotions. When we smile and say, “everything’s fine, how are you?“ Or when we complain to someone about a friend and the moment that person walks through the door we give them a hug and act like nothing’s wrong.

Now, let’s be real for a second. Christians aren’t special. Yes, the Bible says that we are a chosen priesthood, called out by God. But that does not mean Christians are better than another person. No human is innately better than another.

We all struggle with the same shit. We all live in the same world with the same problems. Sure, where you live and what government you live under will vary what kind of problems you have but we, as humans, are the same at our core. We all have the same emotions and desire the same things - community, love, a purpose, connection, to be understood.

So, what is toxic Christianity?

It’s often preached from pulpit. Think about when there’s a death. Christians brush over grief by saying, “It’s ok, we’ll see them again.” Or when life gets hard financially or if you lose your job, Christians will say, “Yeah, but you should be grateful for what you do have.” Count your blessings. Think about the good things that you have. Keep your mind on the positive. Or even, yeah you sinned, don’t let temptation happen again and you’ll be fine. Keep yourself from all temptation and the devil will flee.

That’s not how life works though. That’s not how emotions work. That’s not how people work.

Christians can’t just put on a happy face and act like everything is ok. They can’t brush past the hurt in their life or in others. We were called to support each other, to live in community. And to do that means being real. It means being authentic.

Now, to be authentic means you gotta be honest with yourself. You have to have a level of self worth to step back and assess where you’re at. You can’t run and hide from yourself because at the end of the day, you’re the one that has to live with every part of you. After a while you have to stop numbing, stop lying, stop trying to show everybody the best face because that face is really your worst.

No one wants to see someone happy all the time. They respect those that can be real. That can take a step back and say, “hey I’m not doing well. I struggle with all this stuff and I can’t do it anymore.” That’s the face people want to see. They want the honest Christian who will own up to the fact that they said something racist, sexist, bigoted and are genuinely sorry.

Part of apologies is making a change in your actions. Which the study behind an apology and how to actually do it is for another time. Right now, let’s just focus on not being a shitty Christian.

Jesus often called out Pharisees for not doing what the scriptures said. They held to laws but made no changes in their heart. Most Christians today are Pharisees. They listen to the laws of the Bible. They don’t steal, murder, or cheat but they certainly hold all the emotional aspects of those things in their hearts.

Jesus would hate the Christians of today because they’re two faced and unable to change their ways due to pride.

The best way to change this? Take a step back. All of this starts in the heart. It starts with knowing who you are in God’s eyes. That He doesn’t hate you. That He doesn’t see you as a terrible person. But that God loves you for you. Once you know your actual worth and start to reconnect with your body, mind, emotions, and soul - you will become the person God designed.

And you’ll be a better Christian, and simply, a better human.

Christy Windhausen 7/16/21 Christy Windhausen 7/16/21

When it’s Not Ok to Wear a Mask

are you even allowed to take your mask off.jpg

Masks. There are some famous ones out there: the Phantom, the Iron Mask, Jim Carrey’s The Mask. Perhaps the most famous that not enough people talk about is the one perpetuated by the church.

Now hang with me here.

As a church body we are supposed to welcome all the hurt and lost however the most hurt and lost ones tend to be those already in the building. But, we don’t address that issue. We don’t like to acknowledge it.

After all, we’re the chosen people. God’s people. We can’t be screw ups like the rest of the world. We have to be perfect like Jesus was perfect. That’s what he called us to be so we have to be it.

Gag me with a spoon.

Week after week people walk into the church hiding what’s actually going on in their lives just so they can smile, sing a few songs, feel something, then leave. I’ve done it. I’ve known many people that have also done it.

Your life could be falling apart but you take a deep breath, wipe tears from your eyes, and walk into the building anyway. It’s like the only acceptable tears to cry in the building are those brought on by the Spirit of God.

Here’s the thing, when we do this we ignore our feelings as well as the validity of the church. The church is supposed to be the one place where we can go when we’re broken and hurting. It’s supposed to be the place we can go where we don’t have to wear a mask.

If we take a look at the Bible and the teachings of Jesus we find that he cares about how we’re doing, how we’re feeling, our emotions, and our heart. But at church we aren’t allowed, or given the space, for those things.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the case in all churches. There are many that hold space and have communities that lift each other up. But not always. Putting on masks to pretend we’re fine so we can help those “less fortunate” than ourselves is a trend I have witnessed in my own church, in the generations above me, as well as with my friends.

So, really, why do we keep doing this? Why do we keep rejecting ourselves all in the name of Christianity?

I think there’s a few reasons, and you can disagree with me if you’d like.

One, Christianity has a core belief of helping those who are below us. That kind of mentality immediately creates this I’m better than you dynamic.

Which we could break down even further and go all political, but let’s not do that right now.

Two, the other side of this belief is being a servant to everyone, especially those in positions of power above you. This mentality can produce the idea that you are lesser and everyone is better than you are.

Three, on a whole, we aren’t good with emotions. Millennials and Gen Zers are paving the way to start talking about them and creating space but, this is new. Vulnerability in social circles is rare. It’s really only kept to family, if your family does that sort of thing, and therapy.

Now these beliefs are good. They’re taught by Jesus and shown through his example that we can live a healthy life doing both - which is really only one belief. The catch is that we’re never supposed to neglect ourselves. That’s not an idea that is taught in the Bible.

We are supposed to care about ourselves. We’re supposed to love our bodies, our minds, our hearts. Yet we reject those things in self-flagellation and self-hate because we think we don’t matter. The church tells us other people matter more so we try to reflect that.

There are other reasons to hide who we are in a community that’s supposed to love us unconditionally. Things like we were taught love comes with conditions so how can we ever imagine a God that doesn’t have them. Things like society tells us we don’t matter because of our looks, our gender, our beliefs and if the church also spews similar speech then how can we ever trust them. Or even something simple like there’s too much shit happening and you just want some sense of normalcy in a place you can trust that’s not going to be different and is going to feel safe.

Whatever the reason the fact remains the same. We put on masks in order to hide our true selves in a place and around people that should and would accept us for who we are no matter what. To let that mask come off and reveal who we really are takes a lot of strength.

Sometimes not even we know what’s underneath and that can be terrifying. That thought alone can make us not want to remove our masks.

It’s not ok that the church perpetuates this idea that to be Christian means we have to be smiling and happy all the time. That we have to greet everyone with a handshake and a hug.

It is ok to be depressed, to be lonely, to be hurt, to be broken and think the world is going to shit whether you sit in a pew or on a curb.

Christy Windhausen 7/6/21 Christy Windhausen 7/6/21

On Finding Your Voice

As a writer they press upon you to find your voice. They say that in order to write well you need to know what to say and how to say it. They aren’t entirely wrong, but the thing they often leave out is that in order to find your voice you must know who you are. As a creator you often are figuring that out as you go, so it’s usually not that big of a problem.

What happens when it is? Let’s break this down a bit.

A creator’s voice is easy to spot. You know a Lin-Manuel Miranda song by the first stanza. You know a Quentin Tarantino movie by the blood splatter. You know a Georgia O’Keeffe painting by the vaginal flowers. You even know a Stephen King novel by the book cover.

These are artists that, whether you like them or not, you can’t deny they have something to say and have said it in a specific way. This comes through in every career, not just creative. Good doctors, mechanics, therapists, hair dressers, even plumbers have a voice that shines through. You can often tell who they are based on recommendations you get from others.

So, we’ve established you can recognize when someone is using their voice, but how do you find your own?

In all honesty, it is ok if your voice sounds similar to others. We are all different and we will see the world differently from one another. But you don’t have to try to be different on purpose. You don’t have to think that your voice is going to sound exactly the same or completely opposite of the person next to you. You just need to find your voice and figure out what you need to say and how to say it.

Sometimes the best way to say something is through planting a garden or sitting with your grandparents. Maybe it’s just showing up everyday for work and doing a job without complaint. Maybe you will be the next Taylor Swift or Picasso. Who knows?

But the thing is this, to know your voice you have to know who you are. It may not be 100% - don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. Take it from someone who’s never really had a voice. If you can figure out who you are even by 5% you’ll be on your way.

This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I grew up with very little of a voice. I knew how to follow, to do as I was told the first time and not to ask questions. Capitalism and culture silences people. We, the church also have an issue with silencing those around us. We’ve done it for centuries. Don’t ask questions, don’t go too deep, don’t challenge authority, just accept what you’re told and do the work happily.

And if you don’t? You’ll be shamed, bullied, oppressed, ostracized. This is the exact opposite of what finding your voice should do. Finding your voice means digging into love. Sure, to figure out who you are also mean that you need to know how you’ve been silenced. Was it by a specific person, a religion, the culture, or did you do it to yourself?

Once you’ve figured that out, how do you break out of that silence? Everyone deserves to have and use their voice. Do you need to get into therapy or make new friends? Do you need to change career paths or go back to school? Maybe you should read a few books to learn more about who you are.

Self exploration and actualization is attainable and something we should work towards. We can’t be better versions of ourselves without knowing who we are. This often means missteps and taking wrong turns, but that’s ok. It’s ok to fuck up. Finding yourself is difficult and those fuck ups will help you grow.

So, what happens when no one wants to hear you?

For the past two years I have asked myself that question and it’s done nothing but lead me further into depression because guess what, as I have started to find my voice I have found that no one actually wants to hear me.

I have been turned away from every job that I’ve wanted. I’ve been pushed away by the men I’ve cared so deeply about. I’ve had friends that I’ve known for almost a decade just up and leave. I’m aware these things aren’t all my fault. I’m not the center of my world or any world for that matter. Life is an accumulation of events, circumstances, and decisions that lead us down paths that intertwine and fall away.

It’s been said that it doesn’t matter what others think of you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get the job, the boy, the friends, any of that. I would agree. You shouldn’t have your life defined by what others think. It’s your life, not theirs. Live for yourself.

But it doesn’t matter, doesn’t it? Everyone wants to have friends and a rich community, a career that you’re passionate about, a relationship with someone that loves you and that you love back. I suppose the trick is to not getting lost in wanting only those things. In having those things solely define who you are.

When they do, you lose your voice. You lose who you really are. It’s how you can become a workaholic or self-absorbed or depressed or at its extreme, part of a cult.

Getting yourself back, is a long and hard road. They say it’s the best thing you could ever do, but I’ve been on this path for a few years now and it sucks. It’s lonely and difficult. I’ll let you know when it’s all worth it.

I do know that I’m able to distinguish why I believe what I believe and why I like doing things now. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that five years ago. So, I guess that’s an improvement.

I guess this is all to say, finding your voice is something you should strive for. You will know more about yourself and what you believe by doing so. You’ll be able to call out things that are toxic and draw in things that are healthy.

Going down this path is fucking hard. Though when you want better for your life, hard things are what you strive for.

Christy Windhausen 7/2/21 Christy Windhausen 7/2/21

Drop In For A New Book

On this journey of figuring out purity, sex, and sexuality I’ve been led to a few good books and I wanted to share them with you. They are ones that have helped me think a little bit differently, understand my body and spirit better, and begun to help me formulate my opinions on these subjects.

Now, I’m not saying these two books are the end all - it’s only two books after all. I’m saying, they are good starting points if you’re looking at expanding your knowledge and understanding of purity, sex, and sexuality.

Both are written from a Christian viewpoint, although they do have differing opinions from each other. I wouldn’t say they contradict one another, but they bring up points to help you think.

First off, The Naked Truth About Sexuality by Havilah Cunnington.

This book is great for anyone, you don’t have to be interested in sex or actively seeking it to read this. It’s a book that takes a look at purity, sex, and sexuality in a Biblical context starting with Genesis.

If you’re like me, that reading is only ever talked about in the context of how women are made for the pleasure of men. That’s not what happens here. Havilah Cunnington breaks down how we were made for sex and sexual pleasure on a biological level.

She goes to explain what chemicals are involved when we have sex, why we get attached to people, and why it’s so hard when we break up or why hookups become so easy - and by the way, her definition of sex is a little mind-blowing. She talks about how sex could be defined as holding hands or giving a hug because the same chemicals that are released during intercourse are the exact same as when you hug someone.

I’m sorry what?? But also, that makes sense as to why I got attached to guys when all they wanted to do was cuddle.

She goes further than the biological stuff - which if you’re wondering, no she doesn’t go into the actual physicality of sex, that’s a different book - and talks about how we also get attached to people in spirit. It’s called soul ties and they also make it hard to let go of someone after having sex because sex strengthens the soul tie.

The best part of this book, is that even though she advocates for sex in marriage and not premarital sex, she doesn’t condemn the person who does. She lets the reader know that there is always hope and that your worth isn’t tied to whether or not you had sex before or after marriage.

Since this book is by the Moral Revolution, she acknowledges the hurt the church has caused from the purity movement stating that we shouldn’t feel ashamed of our bodies and our sex. That there is a healthier way to live, which does include sex, we just have to look for it.

4 out of 5 stars - it taught me a lot about the body and myself that I had no idea about. And honestly, I had to read this book by taking it one chapter at a time. Sometimes a chapter wrecked me so much that I had to put the book down and come back to it in a few weeks later.

It’s good. You should read it.

Next up, On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies.

This one, guys this one.

I do think anyone can, and should, read this book, but I think it will hit harder for those who’ve been asking the questions like: can I have sex before marriage and not go to hell? Well, I have to stay with my abusive boyfriend because we are having sex and I won’t be wanted by anyone else, right? I have to marry him because I slept with him, right? I’m not welcomed at the church anymore because I’m not clean, a virgin, a “good girl”, whatever….

Brenda Marie Davies grew up during the purity culture movement. She got the purity ring, she swore she’d wait ‘til marriage, and was the good Christian girl. Well, all that changed when she came out to LA.

In this book Davies talks about her struggle with sex and the church, specifically the voice she calls The Antagonist which was created by the purity culture movement. She is someone who swore she’d wait but craved sex. When she finally had it, she lived in shame and fear of condemnation.

It’s a feeling a lot of men and women have in the church. She chronicles her life talking about how she got married to a guy just because she wanted to “make it right”. When that ended she landed in hookup culture which led to her rape and her getting involved with an abusive boyfriend who made her have an abortion.

This, you guys is a powerful book about a woman’s struggle to find her worth and value as seen through her sex. She couldn’t find it in the church but never abandoned God. She ended up doing a lot of the things she was against as a child because let’s face it, life is gray. We all make choices with the information in front of us.

Davies asks great questions about consent, LGBTQ+ issues, men’s body image, abortion, rape, self worth, healthy sex practices, and what we as the church have done to those around us. It’s challenging and inspiring.

This is a book that a friend recommended to me saying, “I have never felt more seen than while reading this book.” And let me tell you, I agree 100% with this statement.

5 out of 5 stars - I would recommend this to anyone. Absolutely anyone, male or female. I will give you a warning, Davies doesn’t hold anything back. She swears, she descriptive about her sexual exploits (not over the top, it has class), and the rape and abortion scenes don’t pull punches. She’s real and in this day and age in the church that’s exactly what we need.

I’m always reading so, I’ll post some more book recommendations as I go through them. Let me know your thoughts!

Christy Windhausen 6/25/21 Christy Windhausen 6/25/21

Calling Out: Sex and Sexuality - Part 3

We are in our third part of the series. First I would like to acknowledge the fact that, yes, this is two weeks late. I would like to stay honest and open with you so, I’m going to admit that I have been massively depressed these last few weeks.

Depression is something I’ve struggled with most of my life and sometimes that does keep me from doing things that I love - like this blog - because, ya know, what’s the point? Well, the point is that even if no one else is reading this. Even if I’m talking to myself on a weekly(ish) basis, I’m seeking answers and truth. I want to get to the heart of my own heart problems and the hurts caused by the church. I’m excited to share this journey with whoever wants to come with me, but I don’t expect anyone to.

With that let me transition.

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of sitting down and talking with Lane Bachelder, a screenwriter from right here in LA.

Thank you for joining me today, Lane. So, let’s just jump in. Currently, I’m exploring sex and sexuality and how it interacts with daily life. To give a starting question, what does sex and/ sexuality mean to you or how were you introduced to it? Was it through school, your parents, or religion?

I guess I never really received a particular introduction. It was something that I had to figure out on my own. My parents never talked to me about sex, I never got the talk. I didn’t really have a sex ed type of class until the sixth grade, but even then it was a very heteronormative discussion. So I always thought that was the only way. I guess, I kind of realized that when I was gay I didn’t have a concept of what gay was. Growing up I only knew it as guys who acted feminine. So, I mostly had to figure that stuff out on my own.

How did you figure it out? Was it talking to other people, the media or internet, or a little bit of all of it?

Because I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it, most of it came through TV shows and movies, and also the Internet.

So, I’m trying to find a way to phrase this properly, was what you found more educational or was it just like, oh, this is just another way for sex and sexuality. It doesn’t have to be heteronormative like what you were seeing before.

Yeah, it more helped me come to terms with my own identity in my sexuality. I think exploring the more graphic kind of sexual stuff I realized what I was into and how to express myself in that way.

And I know you grew up in a small town, it was in Iowa, right? So coming out of that small Iowa town to come to California, how has that transition been?

Well, I started exploring my sexuality during undergrad when I was still in Iowa. There wasn’t really much transition when I moved out here. I kind of already knew who I was.

Ok, yeah. Do you think where you grew up affected you at all because of culture or if there was something else at play. Whether it was religion or something like we don’t do this because we just don’t.

I think it’s like a lot of small towns. I didn’t have any avenues to explore it. You know, it’s just something that doesn’t really exist. Like I could go to my classmates but I felt this fear in the back of my mind that things could go bad if I did come out. So it took a lot for me to come to terms with that. My town just didn’t have the support system for me. I guess if you want to talk religion, um, I didn’t grow up super religious. We did go to church. I went to Sunday school and I’m a confirmed Methodist. I think as I started to accept my sexuality, I began to reject religion more. Just because, you know usually religion and gays don’t mix. It’s kind of a thing. You can definitely be gay and still be religious but for me, I just felt like it wasn’t something I needed in my life.

Yeah, it sounds like it didn’t come from your town or from the church, it was just as you grew into yourself you realized that wasn’t what you wanted.

Right.

I think it’s good to figure out as you grow beyond your town and look back to see, that they just didn’t have those support systems in place for you. When you talk about fear, it seems there’s not just an inward fear but also this outward fear. Like this societal pressure to live up to a standard, or is that something else?

I think it’s a subtle pressure because straight people don’t have to come out as straight. It’s like we’re conditioned with all these stories of how someone came out and got kicked out. You hear them and of course you’re going to think a certain way about your sexuality and whether you should tell people or not. So yeah, sometimes it feels best to suppress it, even though it’ s better now as we get more into the 21st century. It’s not as big an issue these days. I think about small towns in particular it’s harder because if you’re from a city there’s so many avenues. You have probably ten other kids in your grade who are also LGBTQ+.

Do you think it’s more that they tell those stories to create fear on purpose? Like I know there are kids who did legitimately get kicked out of their house or even shunned, but we also hear stories where people were welcomed by their family.

I think it’s more of a societal thing. We like to focus on the bad rather than the good. You know, just like those stories we could tell of ten other good ones. But it’s those stories that stick around more than the good ones.

Yeah and fear snowballs. You hear about one bad thing or anything that’s going to happen and it builds into anxiety. Which unfortunately can be bigger than a good story that creates peace and reassurance. Transitioning a bit, how do you feel about representation in films and TV?

I like representation, I think it’s always good to see yourself on screen. I also personally feel like you can identify with any character, whether they look like you or not. I can see myself in all sorts of characters regardless of their gender, sex, race, whatever. I find value in those sort of films because no matter what the characters are going through there’s usually something I can identify with. If I can’t identify with a character, I typically don’t enjoy the film.

“I never received a particular introduction...My sexuality was something I had to figure out on my own.”

How do you feel about the transition happening in film with more diverse casting, diverse stories, and the shift from male to female gaze?

Of course it’s always great to have more diverse voices, it allows your audience to have a wider perspective. It’s great to see that happening in terms of the male and female gaze. It’s good to see women in particular with the male gaze not being represented in such an overtly sexual manner or in scenes where they’re seen as objects.

Yeah, and women are kind of subverting the gaze. Like they’re showing men how a man would be shown through a woman’s eyes.

There’s this really good movie called Portrait of a Lady on Fire. It’s about a woman looking at another woman. They have elements like structuring the woman’s hair around male gaze with the female gazing at her.

Isn’t that like your favorite movie?

Not my favorite but I really enjoyed it.

Gotcha. So I know you also have a little different take on monogamy, considering you reject it and have embraced polyamory. Could you talk a little about that?

Yeah. This is something that’s still very new to me. It’s something that I realized like a year and a half ago or two years maybe. It came about when I learned my parents were separating. I think I looked at that and was like, I’m not sure that I want that, it doesn’t seem like it’s something that works. So I began to explore different options and found the polyamory community. The things that people talk about while being in a polyamorous relationship just make more sense to me. Like you are still in a committed relationship with someone, but you can also continue to explore yourself with other people. To me that’s a lot more freeing and open. It makes more sense in my mind that you can be with someone, but also be able to be with other people as well. I think it also takes away a lot of pressure, like having an affair.

Can you still cheat while in a polyamorous relationship?

Yeah. I talked to someone who was in an open relationship and they broke up because the person cheated on them. They said that their partner just didn’t tell them about the other person they were with. So, yeah, it’s about open communication.

I think I’ve heard you describe it before, and correct me if I’m wrong, it’s like you have one main partner but then you have other ones for things like cuddling or another form of intimacy. And what you have to do is tell your main partner, I’m seeing this person for this activity. Which I know you have started dating someone, and we don’t have to talk about him if you’re not comfortable with that.

It’s ok. I do know he is seeing someone else for other reasons and I’m fine with that.

Did you tell you what those reasons were?

Yeah. So here’s the thing, the kinky community tends to be polyamorous in general. I think with me being kinky it kind of led me down this road to polyamory. Like you can be in a relationship with someone, but you can also play with other guys. It’s something that’s kind of natural within the community. So, yeah, my boyfriend has a sir that he goes to see and I’m ok with it.

Ok, I didn’t know if he was real vague about it like I am seeing someone but doesn’t tell you anything else. But it sounds like you do know what happens and may know who that person is?

Right.

So the communication sounds open and honest. It’s not secretive or anything like that. At least that’s what I’m getting from you.

Yeah.

“I think it’s more of a societal thing. We like to focus on the bad rather than the good.”

So, the concept of polyamory has been around for a long time. I think society tends to feed us an idea that you have to find your one and that’s it. Rom coms are kind of built off of that idea. It’s love at first sight type of stuff.

Yeah, which is another reason why rom coms don’t appeal to me. I reject the notion that there’s only one person out there and you must find happiness with that one person.

I get that. I don’t think there’s just one person out there for everyone. I think we have different people for different stages in our lives. I am monogamist so I think if you find someone when you’re 20 you should make an effort to grow with each other, but divorce happens. What do you say to the person who’s lost their spouse or is recently broken up?

Yeah, my mom’s dating another guy but like my dad, is still hung up on my mom. It’s like he’s having a hard time moving on. It’s different for everyone.

It really is.

But I really don’t want one and done. That’s so terrifying to me.

Are you kidding? I only want one. It’d be too much work to have to juggle more than one. So, when I start thinking about the kinky community, I remember you were the one who first started talking to me about it. So, I think you can speak more into than I can.

That’s another weird thing, how do we develop our fetishes and kinks? It’s like I don’t know how I developed mine. For me, it’s just always been there ever since I started thinking about sex. Like, I would just think about guys being tied up.

Was it like fantasies you had or things you watched?

Maybe. Definitely there were movies and TV shows that had an impression on me but I feel like I was at a young age.

Yeah, I feel like that would be an interesting study to see why and what ones impact your life. I know I’m real vanilla but I actually would like to explore those different types of things. There is a little bit of a fear just being a Christian, raised in a conservative home in a small town. There’s almost an unspoken mindset that you have to have vanilla sex and you can’t do anything else. It’s like you don’t talk about it, that’s not something you should even want to try but they still say things like “spice up the bedroom”.

When I was first having kinky experiences, I was very discreet about it. I didn’t want anyone to know. As I’m getting older and more comfortable with it, I’ve been more open about it all. If it was five, six years ago, I would’ve never told you that I was having it. And even with the kinky stuff, TV usually portrays it very negatively. Really, with all this you just start off slow.

I think as I’m moving forward in my life I’m starting to redefine and realize exactly how I would like to sex again. What may be included will probably change but maybe I can find a guy who would like to explore these things with me. And I know right now the BDSM community is leading a lot of great discussions about consent. I mean, all of it is about consent and making sure everything is ok with your partner every step of the way.

Bondage can be dangerous so, if that’s something you’re exploring you have to always keep that in the back of your mind. And consent is a natural part of it.

I think it often goes back to the communication piece you were talking about earlier. And I know I was reading something about a dom and a sub where the dom was making sure the sub was ok not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. In this, the dom realized the sub was not ok physically even though they were saying yes mentally and emotionally. It’s this notion that consent is about all three, physical, mental, and emotional. You can be in different places with each of those things even if you verbally say yes.

“I reject the notion that there’s only one person out there and you must find happiness with that one person.”

I think that is some of the first things I had ever heard about consent, just in general. It’s definitely something that you have to be mindful of, like you don’t have to be kinky for all these things to come into play. Even looking back on my own experiences, there’s been some that I wasn’t enjoying.

Which is why they talk about enthusiastic consent now and there are great discussions happening in multiple areas. Even with small children.

Yeah, I don’t think we should be afraid to educate our children on sex. It’s about working with them in an age appropriate context.

Which I totally agree with.

I would like to thank Lane for taking the time to sit down with me.

Next week, I think I’m gonna do something a little different and have a few book reviews for you. If you’re not a reader, what’s wrong with you? I’m kidding, but seriously, these are some fantastic books that you should definitely pick up and read pronto.

Christy Windhausen 5/20/21 Christy Windhausen 5/20/21

Calling Out: Sex & Sexuality - Part 2

Welcome back for another part to this series!

This week we’re chatting with Gabby Gore, a screenwriter out of Seattle, WA.

Just like last week, there were no formal questions. I let conversation flow as it may. This one was a bit shorter, but if you would like the full transcript let me know. I’ll send it your way.

Thank you for taking time to join me. I guess let’s jump in with a starting question to get this whole thing going. Sex and sexuality are so inherent and ingrained in our culture - whether it’s media, how we grew up, or just day to day living within relationships - it really effects us. I think I noticed that especially within the last series. So how you interpret that throughout your life? What does sex and sexuality mean to you, and we can go from there.

That’s a lot.

I know.

I guess, well, I’ve always been interested in sex. I think ever since I entered puberty and had those hormones kick in. I always knew I would be a pretty sexual person when I came of age. I don’t know where it came from, if it’s just how I was built. Neither of my parents have shown any indication that sex is something on their minds or part of their lives, at least to me. And it’s not a religious thing. It’s just not their thing, especially my mom. Even her parents were that way. They never said sex was bad, none of that, it was just never mentioned. I feel like in my mind there’s just a walking WAP song. I listened to that song and I was like me, me. I want that. I want all of that. Yes, I feel that. So, I don’t know if it’s nature vs nurture. I definitely was not nurtured to feel this way or understand that sex isn’t normal. It is totally normal. I remember stealing cosmos when I was a preteen and I didn’t know what any of it meant but I was still intrigued by it.

I know you’ve talked before about how you grew up in a conservative town where they didn’t talk about sex. It was a culture heavily influenced by the Mormon Church.

Yeah and you know, I had friends that weren’t super religious but it was something you just didn’t discuss. You didn’t talk about it. Even when we were in high school and people were having sex, they still didn’t talk about it. So, I sought a lot of stuff out. When I went to college, in my freshman year I took human sexuality. It was a very polarizing class because you have people who grew up with the idea that sex is bad. Their whole thing was that this was just the class that you watched pornography. It was nicknamed the porn class. There were other people who thought it was intriguing and interesting. Me being a little freshman was like, hehe the porn class, and I took it with two of my friends. We were going to see what it was all about and it ended up being one of the most useful, best classes I ever took. It was structured so academically. We looked at what sex means to different cultures and how we as a society came to interpret sex now. And they did have porn Fridays but they were instructional porn videos. The videos were literally what it says, instructional sex.

My brain is going Monty Python with what this could mean. I think they did one once where it was very sarcastic but also instructional.

Once they hook you with that then they go in the biology of sex. So, the hormone cycles, the different phases of arousal and when you climax. It’s basically storyboarding but we learned all the biology to it. Then we learned about sexual deviancy like how pedophiles come to be, sexual assault, and the ramifications of sex crimes. That kind of stuff. It was really heavy but really interesting. That was the first time I had truly learned about that and we had some really good conversations surrounding consent. So the professor would throw a question up like if a guy forced himself on a girl is that rape? Almost 100% would say yes. Then she’d ask if he was married to her would you feel the same way? That really shook the whole class because we never thought about it in those terms. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone or are married to them, does that automatically give consent to every future sexual encounter? I had never heard consent stated like that. Some of the other things I learned was about the transgender community and the BDSM community. Members of the community came into the class and spoke to us about what it truly means to be a part of the community. I think it all further intrigued me me and made me want to be more sex positive. It was really the first time I felt like I had knowledge that I could go forth into the world with.

“Just because you are in a relationship or married to someone, does that automatically give consent to every future sexual encounter?”

That sounds really interesting. I know we had a sex ed class in high school, but it wasn’t that at all. It was your standard abstinence class. They had people talk about condoms and STIs and things like that but it was very basic. I think they talked more about alcohol than they did sex. And we never looked at consent that way. It’s cool that you had access to a class like that. It seems like a great opportunity.

It was. I recommended that class to everyone. Some people got uncomfortable when I would mention it. They would be like, that’s just the porn class. Like, no, you learn other stuff. And I don’t think teenagers or minors need to be watching porn in their high schools, but I do think that learning about the culture of sex and aligning the biology behind it, learning about consent, sex crimes, things like that is important.

Oh absolutely. I’m thinking of who I was as a high schooler, I don’t know if I would’ve taken that class but I probably needed it.

No, this wasn’t high school. I took this when I was in undergrad when I as in Seattle.

Oh ok.

This is a bit of a side tangent, but I’m pretty close friends with some of my high school friends still and some of them were a part of the Mormon community. One of my friends was sexually assaulted and she went to tell the leaders of the church. Instead of asking what happened, they victim blamed her. And because virginity is such a huge deal, they shunned her from the church even though it wasn’t her fault. It totally messed up her relationship with the church. She’s no longer a Mormon because of it. It’s always stuff like that where people need the communities they’re in, but usually they’re the most unhelpful, especially religious ones.

I can’t speak for all of them, but even the Christian community doesn’t speak about sex in a positive way. They’re trying to and I can see it, but they’re still shy and they don’t really know how to come at it because for a lot of Christians it’s the same way, you stay a virgin until marriage. So, they don’t know how to talk about sex in a healthy manner. They do better with assault victims. I do think this needs to be an open conversation about why is it your choice and understanding that God doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t shame you for wanting it.

From what I remember from that class, when we were learning about different cultures, the ancient European cultures - like before Christ - viewed sex as strictly procreation. Like, you do not have this for pleasure. One of the things that was talked about was how shame is so connected to it because when those cultures turned to Christianity, they used the stuff in the Bible to justify their practices. You’re more familiar with it than I am, but they said it was less civil so they justified their actions and it just kind of stuck.

I can’t think of any verses off the top of my head which they would’ve used however I know it’s a common practice for the church throughout history to grab random verses to justify their actions. Rather than looking at those verses in context and seeing what it is that the verse is actually saying. So, I can understand how that happens. Especially if it goes on through all of history and culture, and is widely accepted so now we have this really condemning practice that hurts and shames people. We really need to stop and look at what we’re saying and doing. People shouldn’t be taking random verses out of the Bible to justify their own actions.

I think a lot of it too has to do with Catholicism being the main role of Christianity for hundreds of years. The Virgin Mary and that whole aspect of how you come to terms with the Immaculate Conception. It’s this ultimate form of purity or sainthood in the fact that she had Jesus without ever being touched. Which is a ridiculous standard to hold women to, but here we are.

Yeah, I don’t really know because I haven’t looked into it enough to know if they hold virginity as such a high standard because of the Virgin Mary or not. If it is, it’s a real shit one. Honestly, Jesus himself holds prostitutes in high regard. There are many notable prostitutes and women who aren’t virgins throughout the Bible. Many believe Jesus himself was married and didn’t die a virgin. Then you say virginity is the highest form we have to reach? It brings in this very conflicting morality and feelings.

Yeah. I feel like me versus a lot of other people you talk to - with the exception of like two - didn’t grow up in super Christian cultures. Mine was weird because we didn’t talk about it but it wasn’t a religious thing. I know I want to have kids someday and when I get there I want them to be able to have good educational conversations with them early on. To not have them feel shame or feel like they need to keep something secret.

“I guess I’m of the mindset if you’re doing it in a healthy, safe, and consensual way...why does it matter?”

Oh absolutely. I myself am trying to figure out what it means to be fully educated and have open conversations with others my own age surrounding this, let alone children. I know there is a movement happening where there is encouragement to talk to children about different parts of the body appropriately and not use euphemisms or weird names.

I think it’s great to start instilling that in children now. If something were to happen to them, they would be able to better articulate and tell you exactly what happened. That’s reason enough. And when they time comes that they feel like they’re ready and able to make those decisions to have sex - I’m not saying they should be making their sexual debut at 13. No, please don’t do that, but maybe 16 or 17, at the end of the day I might be like, you know it’s your body. Be safe, do what you want with it.

And there’s a lot to that. For me, I’m trying to learn these things for myself. There’s just not enough discussion about it and it does come with a very high shame factor.

Even this kind of discussion that we’re having is wrong in some way and that’s not right. It’s weird to me that people put so much morality on something that is needed to populate our species. No matter what, this is biologically necessary for us as a collective. I don’t know, I guess I’m just of the mindset that if you’re doing it in a healthy, safe, consensual way why does it matter?

I think part of it is that it’s almost never those three things. It’s hopefully consensual at bare bones, but how many actually have healthy knowledge of what sex is. Men still don’t really know women’s bodies. There’s jokes about finding the clit and G spot. Or they’re not communicating in a way that’s healthy. So, how much of it is actually healthy sex practices? I swear to God it better be consensual, but I’ve come to learn consent can be gray. There now needs to be enthusiastic consent but a lot of guys are realizing how much they’ve pressed the boundaries on that. And safe? There’s still the joke of how hard it is to get a guy to wear a condom. Like dude, wear one. Yeah, those are the things you’re asking for and you might be more equipped than most people, but those are some of the hardest things to get. People often put their own morality on things because they think they’re right and they think other people should be acting the same way they are. Most of the time they’re not right because they’re trying to force people into something. So that makes it difficult, especially if you’re getting it from the church or a political party who’s trying to cover a huge swath of people.

I think for me personally, a lot of it comes down to controlling women. We’ve been controlled since the dawn of time and the more freedom women get the more scared men get. So they have to think of new ways to keep up in line. Of course, the goal of the oppressors is to get the oppressed to oppress each other.

I have been hearing a lot more of these discussions framed this way more recently. Not that I haven’t ever heard it, I think it’s just a new framing.

I’ve noticed that anytime women start to do something 110% just for them, that topic or thing becomes disvalued by men. For the longest time in society you were supposed to wear makeup to make yourself look better. Now, with the help of the internet, women are doing makeup to make themselves to feel great and beautiful. The joke is like, oh you got to take her swimming on the first date. To which I’m like, if you find her attractive with makeup, what do you think? That she’s gonna stop wearing it when she dates you?

So much of culture is putting expectations on how they think women should and should not act. It’s this expectation that women have to act in a certain way and if they don’t then they’ll be shamed for it.

It was interesting in your last series, I remember there was one guy who thought purity was like nothing, like it was untouched. It was this greatness and he tried making it sound really poetic and religious. I don’t want to project what he was thinking but I found it interesting to juxtapose that with the two other ladies in the article that saw it as constraining and constricting.

I have heard that men do go through shaming and toxic male body image. It’s nothing like what women go through. There is this ideal male image they have to hold to which is how we get toxic masculinity. I think that’s one of the interesting things that I found that men do has these issues as well. They have an ideal that if they don’t reach it they get shamed and they project their hurts and their traumas and wounds on women specifically.

I think we see that specifically with the rise of in cells. I think learning about purity culture is so interesting for a woman. She’s not supposed to have sex but a man is supposed to have lots of sex. The question is, who are all these men having sex with? Let’s be real. When your definition of being a man is the amount of women that you quote conquer and no woman wants to date you, but you think it’s your right as a man to have all this sex - this leads to all this toxic messaging and sexism. It can lead to this huge violence against women.

“The goal of the oppressor is to get the oppressed to oppress each other.”

And women are sexual beings who will have sex with men if they aren’t assholes, like they would. What you’re saying is how we get sexual assault because they do force themselves on women. If they really were good guys who didn’t view women as objects and treated them like people it could be really great sex between two people who really cared for each other. Or even if they just wanted to have fun. It’s just that really toxic cycle that will spin on itself, which is not good.

I don’t know how much this has to do with all of this, but a lot of them will say women are shallow and only date hot men. That if the guy was more attractive then they’d have sex with them, to which I go, do you know the amount of the tropes we have of hot wife ugly husband? Women are able to see past the physical and want to date someone who respects them, is nice to them, and is in general a good person. Like, don’t get me wrong I simp for himbos but I also will go for a guy that isn’t super hot but is super nice who wants to go on adventures and is fun.

I mean same. I like the teddy bear guys, they’re cute and you can cuddle with them but also, I do love the string bean surfer boys.

I don’t know what it is about string beans but they’re attracted to fuller women. I don’t get it. It’s like you can wear my clothes and I don’t like that.

I want to wear your clothes.

Yeah. I don’t like that you can put on my sweatshirt and I don’t like that.

Thank you again to Gabby for chatting with me.

Next week we will be getting a bit kinky with the gay community. It’s gonna be fun, you won’t want to miss it.

Christy Windhausen 5/10/21 Christy Windhausen 5/10/21

Calling Out: Sex & Sexuality - Part 1

This week we start our dive into a discussion on Sex & Sexuality. We will be looking at topics relating to these subjects, some of which may not seem entirely relevant, but they are. Topics like male and female body image, consent, cat-calling, and plain old listening.

The format is different than the last series - there were no questions. This was an informal discussion about the topic and I let the conversation go where it needed and wanted to.

To let you the reader know, this was a 3-hour long discussion and I couldn’t include everything. If you are interested in all that was said, shoot me a message and I’ll send you the full transcript.

Without further ado, let me introduce Josh Gauthier. He is a writer and novelist from Maine. He has a brand new book out that’s pretty great - you should go buy it. He is a wordsmith, a complete nerd, and a dear friend of mine.

Hi. So thank you for being willing to sit down and talk with me. I know in our last interview we talked about how you grew up in a very conservative culture. I grew up similarly and a lot of people I had spoken to agreed that no one really talks about sex and sexuality within the church. It’s a subconscious thing that’s not spoken about explicitly. Then people shape their own ideas about it or they fumble through life trying to figure it out. It can be toxic or it can be healthy. There’s a lot to all of this, I know.

Yeah, and I probably will have a lot of thoughts on all of that. So we’ll see what’s interesting and where things end up.

If you would like, could you speak more to the male side of things?

Yeah, ok. So I think I mentioned some before with the circles I’m in that we talk about a lot of this stuff. It’s a lot of different things, but about gender, sexuality, and the patriarchy. That’s a common discussion. So, I get pieces of the perspective from all over. [And looking at this from the beginning] there’s this inability to have a reasonable conversation or be informed about sex or the other sex. Then even the people who do sincerely want to talk about it have to overcome those barriers before you can get anything done. It’s like you have to convince people that this is a reasonable thing to talk about or even know about.

I understand that. There were definitely times in my life where you couldn’t even say the word sex. You just didn’t do that. Then I got past that and it was still this huge obscure thing that I was intrigued with, but ya know don’t do it or you’ll go to hell or die from an STI or get a baby. Now I’m fine with everything, but there’s all these other layers that come with it. There’s so much emotional, spiritual, physical, and societal layers. It’s all very real and I’m not scared of any of these layers, so let’s talk about it.

Right. Why not? There are very serious pieces to it with some deeper repercussions, but the way it’s often handled is not right. It’s a very basic human impulse and to just ignore it and say, you’ll be fine. That’s not good.

Ignoring anything and hoping it’ll go away is not going to work. You have to acknowledge it then work through it.

Exactly.

“This is not shameful, this is something to take care of. It’s an important piece of your life to handle responsibly.”

And I think you’re right. It is a basic human impulse. God gave it to us, this ability to be sexual, but we’re supposed to steward that in a certain way. That’s part of control. That’s part of getting older and maturity, but we’re still made to be that.

I don’t have the numbers off the top of my head but I’ve seen comparisons of informed sex ed vs abstinence only education and they looked at the rates of unwanted pregnancies and STI’s. It’s so much higher on the abstinence only side because they’re told don’t do this. Then when they do decide and make those decisions they have no base of knowledge to work from. I think that carries all the way through to the wedding night. When people do get married and they’re terrified because they have no idea what they’re doing.

It’s definitely about being informed and telling people what sex is. Giving them information to make the right decisions and part of that is not shaming them when and if they decide to have sex. Instead say, hey, these are the consequences good and bad of what will happen if you do and if you don’t. I think everything, at least in the church, is always skewed negatively in that kind of conversation.

Right. Well, they’re told sex outside of marriage is terrible and bad, but then they watch TV and read books and hear from their friends who say, hey, this is really enjoyable. So, when those two things are at odd with each other, there’s no way to really reconcile it. They have to decide which one is lying to them and one side is louder and more persuasive than the other just by default. I liked your stewardship term. This is not shameful, this is something to take care of. It’s an important piece of your life to handle responsibly. And that puts it in an entirely different framework where it is a good thing that you will enjoy and it’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s being mindful of what you do with that and it will be better for you in the long run.

Right and I think a lot of this starts by being open and vulnerable and just wanting to talk about it. Like, I want to know if and when I’m wrong. Please correct me, let’s have a conversation. I think there are topics that need to be heard and need to be said because I was raised in a place where we didn’t talk about anything. I have friends that talk about the heteronormative and I’m realizing how ingrained in me that is. I never realized it before because I grew up very conservative, white, straight, living in a small town. So, now, it’s just having these conversations.

Well, it’s interesting how much culture and history plays a role in that because 50 years ago women couldn’t open their own bank account. We talk about how no one wants to commit to marriage and the divorce rate has gone up but then we point that out. Or that women actually have the ability to leave and survive and not be murdered by their husbands while they get off free. And there’s a lot more going on that hasn’t been talked about. If we can actually talk about those things with information and actual facts, it’s much more effective than assumptions of the status quo. So many people on the conservative side of it don’t even have basic medical facts. I hear some of these old white guys talk about women’s bodies and they’re so wrong. If you don’t even know basics, who are you to tell me anything else?

“It’s not the girl’s fault. It’s self-preservation. Like it’s a real thing.”

I’m still learning things about women’s bodies. Me, a woman, who’s still learning things. I can’t imagine a guy, especially an old white guy set in his ways. And I know in the last series there were a lot of men that expressed the same sentiment - that there was this kind of locker room talk or locker room mentality that men strive for. I know being on the receiving end as a woman, knowing that’s his mentality to just get another notch in his belt, it’s really hurtful.

Right. Yeah. I think I was talking to someone just today about this and how much it damages friendships. That women are realizing they don’t have friends, they just have guys who are trying to hook up with them. And how that ruins everything. It goes back to this whole cultural idea that men and women can’t be friends because there’s always a sexual attitude going on. Which doesn’t help anybody. It’s all this pressure. It’s this fear. My co-workers talk about being cat-called all the time. They’re just walking down the street and it’s this performative manliness or worse, they actually believe it. But it makes existence so unsafe for women. It’s terrible.

I totally feel that. I have maybe 3-4 guys friends that, as far as I’m aware, don’t want to sleep with me - you included. But most of my guy friends, like almost all of them, have wanted that. It’s broken my heart again and again. And dude I have so many cat-calling stories. The funniest one, this guy stopped his car in the middle of an intersection to cat-call me.

I thought you were gonna say he got rear ended which would’ve been perfect.

Oh that would’ve. I just don’t understand, what makes a man be like, I’m gonna stop my car in the middle of the road, the middle of an intersection, to cat-call this girl.

I’ve actually seen screenshots of these guys who’ve convinced themselves it’s actually a compliment. Then they get offended when women don’t like it. I’ve even seen guys calling out other guys in discussion posts on the whole putting hands on hips or the back when trying to get past women. Like, would you do that to a guy or have you ever done that to a man as you’re walking past? Man’s ability to delude ourselves is remarkable. Like, I just need to get past it’s completely harmless.

“Women are stripped of agency, but men are often stripped of choice.”

Right. Like how do you naturally go past someone? You can say excuse me and not touch them. I think I’ve freaked guys out before because every so often I will touch them. I’ll put my hand on their back and they’ll jump. It’s the funniest thing, because they don’t expect it.

Then there’s women who stopped stepping aside for men on the sidewalk and have run into them.

Oh I’ve done that too. It’s really great. It’s like men have this privilege that I don’t quite understand.

I mean some guys definitely own it and embrace it but I wonder how much of it is cultural. Which is not to excuse it but how much are people just not thinking about it because it naturally happens. That should put pressure on them to stop and think, but much of this is subconsciously ingrained. It’s the expectation that you do automatically and I think that’s where the good conversations about masculinity and relations come out. It forces people to stop and think for a change….I’m gonna circle back to what we touched on at the beginning if that’s ok. There’s been a discussion about age appropriate sex ed. When it should be introduced, not using euphemisms, and introducing kids to consent even through hugs, giving them agency of their own bodies. If they don’t want to hug Grandpa Joe then that’s ok but it’s more about convincing Grandpa Joe that this kid doesn’t want a hug right now.

Mm hmm. I’ve been seeing these as well. I think they’re great discussion to be having.

Especially with girls and women who, I mean you know better than I do, have much more pressure in terms of self-agency. Even at your example of guys flinching when you’re going past. It’s much more ingrained that the guys can make those decisions where women are not afforded the same level of freedom.

It’s also, very common for women to placate men. Where they don’t really want to give them a hug or talk to them or kiss them or whatever, but they will still do it to get the guy to stop. That it’s just easier to do that than say no. I have done it multiple times with multiple men. There isn’t the guarantee of how a guy is going to respond, even if you know them. Some guys will be like, ok that’s fine you don’t want to, I respect you and it’s ok. Other ones can take huge offense at it. So, you just never really know. From there it starts to go into conversations of sexual assault and rape and the gray areas that exist in that and why it can happen. Sometimes it happens because girls are scared to say no.

It’s not the girl’s fault. It’s self-preservation. Like, it’s a real thing.

Absolutely, and it starts here. With conversations with little children about if they want a hug or not.

I’ve seen discussions online of men realizing how many sexual interactions they’ve had that were probably not consensual, but they weren’t forcing it. The woman wasn’t exactly trying to avoid confrontation, but wasn’t actually pursuing it. They were just trying to get through. And it’s a really important area because it’s these guys who would never physically force a woman to do something, but go right up to that line or pressure. Which is very similar. I think it gets very gray.

Exactly because so much of what we’re taught in school of what peer pressure is and how the guy is going to be super aggressive isn’t usually what it actually looks like. Even in just giving a hug. It’s more subtle and the pressure is this expectation where you’re like, I’m already in this situation I can either not do this. Which will do one of two things - de-escalate everything, he won’t be mad at me, and we’ll still be friends or acquaintances or whatever. Or it’s going to escalate everything and he’s going to be super aggressive like what you hear about. And depending on the relationship with that guy will also influence that decision. And part of it is that you think, well it’s not hurting him and it’s not really hurting me so what does it matter. But it does hurt you. It chips away at consent because you aren’t sticking up for yourself and your boundaries until you get to a point where you don’t know if you even have any.

“Men can be awesome.”

Yeah, I’ve watched analogies that people are putting out now about money and tea. Some really simple examples of what consent actually means. Like you offer someone tea and they say no, you’re not going to pour it down their throat. Tea in itself is good and they might’ve wanted it yesterday but it doesn’t mean they want it again today.

Yeah and this concept doesn’t have to exist just when you’re single or dating. Marital rape is a thing that exists….So I do want to say, men can be awesome. They should be awesome. Where they can be totally strong and take care of you and lead, but be soft and gentle and supporting of their woman. Like, yeah, she can do anything, but also he can take care of the kids and that dynamic can live together. These things we’re talking about don’t have to be one or the other.

Right. I think it goes back to that social pressure of what men think men are supposed to look like. Which is not that. It then leads into these defense mechanisms of attacking and hating women. Culture has kind of built up this he-man image that guys are supposed to measure themselves up against. The perfect image for men and women is so damaging in different ways….I think it was an article or discussion a while back that was talking about the differences in the male and female body in movies. With women it’s always sexual whereas with a man it’s almost always comedic. So it carries inherently at the fundamental level. Like a woman wheres a bikini and it’s slow motion so you can see everything. A guy wears a speedo and it’s a running gag.

Absolutely. I saw a Tik Tok actually, where this girl was talking about the first time she saw a naked man and she was disgusted. She couldn’t understand why because she was straight and attracted to men until she realized it was because of the media. In film we talk about the male gaze. Most films are shot this way. It’s how female bodies are highly sexualized and you can see absolutely everything but not the man’s. You rarely will see a guy from the waist down unless it’s for comedic purposes. It’s what’s made movies like Promising Young Woman so different.

Right, you just don’t see it as for women as you do for men. Even regardless of color, it’s all the male gaze in film of just how it looks at women and where the shots are angled.

And I know we’ve been talking about women but all of this happens to men too. I remember watching 90 Day Fiance and these guys threw a bachelor party and made the stripper dance on the bachelor. He’s telling them no, no, no. You can tell the stripper is just there because it’s her job, meanwhile his friends are laughing and acting like it’s no big deal. And I’m sitting there watching sexual assault happen.

Terry Crews talked about how hard it was for him to talk about his assault, that he wasn’t even taken seriously because not only is he a man but he’s very fit and tough looking. You know, women are stripped of agency but men are often stripped of choice. It’s this assumption that any man always wants sex no matter what. That’s exactly the harmful pressure that gets put on men. And if men are assaulted by a women then it’s not treated the same way because of course a guy’s going to be happy about it, that’s how it works.

Yeah but not every guy wants to have sex. Not every guy even likes you. It’s a personal decision. And it’s something that’s hard to see in culture because culture wants to say men are highly sexual things that always want sex and are always pursuing it. So, why would a guy say no? If they’re saying no something must be wrong with them.

Exactly.

I think I’ve heard that a lot of trauma happens with guys because they’re told they’re not masculine enough or not manly enough. Then they’re stuck with what does that mean if I’m not manly or not this or not that? What does that look like? It can range from everything from physicality, like I’ve heard guys talk about penis size all the way up to their muscles and whether they can provide for the family with their job. I think it’s all so detrimental for a guy. I could be wrong, you can tell me.

I think you’re 100% right. Luckily I haven’t faced that. I’m not your typical alpha male. I’m more the analytical, sensitive, thoughtful type just by default.

And as I’m currently processing that perhaps that trauma, from not being masculine enough, they then project onto women. Like I’ve had multiple guys throughout my life say various things to me about all those aspects. They project it onto me about what I should expect their masculinity should be like. Or what the ideal should be. Things like I’m the best you’ve ever had, only I can provide this, I’m the biggest, whatever. The fragility of the male ego is astounding.

I think they’re all self-perpetuating cycles. I think it’s either that men have been hurt or they’re afraid of being hurt by those things. Sometimes it’s men who have been challenged and made fun of for those things but also, I think we see it in entitled men. So it has to be preserved at all costs.

I know we have to wrap up soon, is there anything else you want to add?

The short version, there’s not enough open, honest, and informed conversations. And all of this takes place within a culture that has self-perpetuating structures that affect men and women and their interactions with each other. So, if we could take a step back, stop being defensive, and talk honestly then we could find that middle ground that’s less reactionary. One that has biblical and sensible rules where God blends health and safety at its core. Keeping consent and mindfulness and recognition and concern for other people.

We’ll be delving further into this topic hitting on feminism, the LGBTQ community, and how it looks within the context of marriage.

I hope you stay tuned and continue to follow me as I walk down this road.

Christy Windhausen 4/21/21 Christy Windhausen 4/21/21

Wanna Hear from Someone New?

Yellow and Orange Holi Festival Instagram Post-3.jpg

Starting next week we’ll be hearing from a variety of people on the topic of sex and sexuality.

This time it will be a bit different as we will be talking to people from different ages (getting perspectives from boomers to gen z), those that are married, single, and in-between, as well as straight to the LGBTQ+ community.

People will have similar questions, but not the exact same ones this time (granted, there might be overlap with similarities here or there) - and each post will be dedicated to one person at a time so it flows more like a conversation.

As a heads up, I will not be asking about sex lives or personal sexual experiences. If the interviewee wants to share any details of that nature then that is their choice. If it gets too explicit, I won’t include it.

The idea, as always, is to create an open and welcoming environment for people to share and discuss ideas without being ridiculed or shamed.

Let’s see how this goes!

Christy Windhausen 4/15/21 Christy Windhausen 4/15/21

let’s call out: SEX & SEXUALITY

Let’s talk about sex baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good times and the bad times….Let’s talk about sex. That is the resounding song in my head in regards to this topic.

This topic is broad and I won’t do it justice with this one post. To say I want to talk about sex and sexuality should lead to the question in how? In what way, through what lens? The reason I’m putting them together is because I want to look at them in the way sex and sexuality effects our every day lives.

It’s screamed throughout media and culture in general that we have to strive to have sex. Have the most partners, have the best sex of our lives. In order to do that we have to look a certain way, have a certain job, have a certain car or house or whatever. Sex sells.

Sex is the thing we should be striving for - at least that’s what we’re told by the world. But when we look at everyday life, relationships between friends, spouses, lovers - sex can be confusing and difficult and a major spot of contention.

Religion often steps in and says you have to wait to have sex and if you don’t you’re shamed for that. Those that wait can and sometimes do have difficulties with their bodies, with their spouses bodies, and just self-confidence in general.

Because culture screams that we should be having sex all the time, shame steps in again when we choose to abstain. We are ridiculed for having too little or too much or not in the way that is deemed “appropriate” in normal society.

Walking hand in hand with this is our sexuality - I’m not just talking about whether you identify as heterosexual or a part of the LGBTQ+ community even though that is absolutely part of this conversation - I’m also talking about how our sexuality is viewed by us and the rest of the world.

I, myself, identify as a heterosexual but I have heard from friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community the shame that comes from coming out. Our society has norms that we stick to for one reason or another and when someone goes against it, that person is quickly shamed. No matter your beliefs, your religion, or your stance no one should be shamed.

Shame says you aren’t worthy for being who you are. You aren’t worthy for even existing.

That’s not true.

Everyone has worth. Everyone has value. I am not here to tell people my beliefs and my stances on certain issues - most of which are incredibly complex and I’m still sorting them out. What I am here to say is that everyone has worth. Everyone is loved just for being them.

For being alive.

Sex and sexuality are ingrained in who we are as humans. We were born with a sexual drive and to be sexual beings. That is not something that can be changed, smothered, or pushed to the side.

Understanding this side to yourself, to myself, helps to complete the picture of who we are as humans and to live a more holistic and healthier life.

I’m certainly on a mission to understanding every part of myself.

If you feel shamed for who you are, I’m sorry. You were made to be sexual. You were made to be whole. I hope and pray you find a little bit of love in your life. Find a community or even find some here.

This topic is huge and I’m only just opening the door to it. I don’t know how long I’ll be sitting with sex and sexuality but if you want to join me on this ride, I’d be glad to have you.

Christy Windhausen 4/8/21 Christy Windhausen 4/8/21

Calling Out: Purity - Part 3

We’ve made it. The final part in this series. We’ve got a good discussion with two wonderful humans.

First up…hailing from LA, California, director Jace Hardwick. Then we fly across the country to Buffalo, NY for school teacher Lindsey Hawkins.

As always, they’ve been asked the same questions and if they didn’t answer it was because they answered it in a previous question or I didn’t ask.

Here we go!

What does purity mean to you?

LH: “I’ve come to understand purity as it is in scripture. Growing up it was never said point blank as to what it was. I thought it was just don’t have sex before marriage. As time has gone on I have understood that it is the belief system of what is going on in your mind and heart, not just keeping your legs shut. I have come to understand it through a relationship - if you don’t you will think God is keeping goodness from you. If you look at scripture, the word purity in Aramaic actually has to do with peace of mind. Yet over time it has become about rule following more than the place of our hearts and minds and a reassurance that His parameters are set for my good.”

JH: “I come from a Christian background so it was always don’t have sex before marriage. That’s what purity was. If we’re going the route of sex then that’s what I define it as - keeping yourself pure before marriage.”

Who taught you about purity? Was it explicitly said or was it implicit?

LH: “Both. Part of it has come through my own quiet time with the Lord - reading scripture, worship, listening to online sermons. You have to have alone time to have those intimate revelations. As well as with my relationships with others - doing life with other believers and talking to other married couples. Just doing life with other fellow believers. It’s a balance of those two things that has given me an understanding of dating and what purity is.”

JH: “I was always taught not to have sex to keep yourself pure because of the Bible but I never understood why and never looked into it. Then I became a Christian and started reading into the way Jesus taught about how a man and a woman should have relations with each other and how a marriage should be set up. I started to understand why it was that way. In my own personal life I’ve come to understand the backlash or the dangers of not staying pure. I’ve had sexual relationships and I’ve seen the downside of having multiple partners as well as the biological side to it. I’ve come to understand the implications of that as well. It’s a roundabout answer - it came in multiple forms. My parents taught me but I didn’t understand what they meant. So I learned on my own and saw the repercussions of that. Externally, I’ve read and understood what Jesus said via the Bible.”

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught about purity?

LH: “In some ways yes and in some ways no. I do agree that sex is something meant for marriage however I do not agree with the basis that it came from which was rule following instead of understanding the heart of God. Which when you go by rule following, it brings confusion. I don’t agree with the belief that it came from when I grew up because it didn’t come from a solid foundation.”

JH: “I agree in the terms of a man and woman should wait ‘til marriage because I went down the route of who cares. I know that through failing in that area I have recognized why it is set up and how it is a blessing. And how it is designed, not just because it’s the way the Bible says but because of the biological reasons. There are chemical imbalances we share that draw us to each other. There’s a reason why it draws us toward each other and solidifies that bond. And why it’s important to save it for marriage.”

“I believe there is a God so there is a correct and right standard.”

What does purity culture mean to you?

LH: “A culture of honor and respect. That’s it. In scripture it has to do with peace of mind. The only way is by first being in relationship with Jesus and baptized in the Holy Spirit. Then being in community and being in a place where we can embrace the childlike identity of son or daughter. We embrace purity culture in our lives which is honor and respect.”

JH: “I don’t really know honestly. I guess if we’re talking about forcing purity on people or talking about sex in general or how no one needs to know…I can better talk about it in terms of relationships and dating and hookup culture because that effects me the most as I’m dealing with media and how people argue back and forth about that stuff. To me people in our culture are trying to deal with one another in what relationships should look like for all people. I would go back to the Bible and if there is no God and there is no standard, then we are simply making up what that standard should be. I think all humans are trying to figure out what that standard should be whether you believe in God or not. That’s why you have that back and forth about should we have hookups or not. Should we be making out, what about sleepovers, what about sex before marriage or in marriage? When there is no standard that’s set, that’s when we get that purity culture thing about what’s right and what’s not. I’ve learned a lot from C.S. Lewis who talks a lot about what is right in our culture vs others. In others women cover their faces because they view it as a way to save your brothers or sisters because we understand how men can be. But I can turn that around and say I know men in my life that don’t struggle with lust so how do we help them out?”

Do you feel as though purity culture effects you and your decisions?

LH: “Absolutely because my actions have the ability to hurt or strengthen another person so when it comes to the decisions I make as it relates to loving another person well, depending on my perception of another person, I can either build them up or hurt them. If purity culture is, in the way it should be, it calls me higher and has me take a step back in the way I treat people in certain situations. Even how I treat my brothers and sisters in the faith and my own family. You have to look at it as, am I doing this because I want to get something out of it or am I loving them the way Christ would want me to?”

JH: “Yes, because I believe there is God so there is a correct and right standard. I have to go back and look at the teachings of Jesus to see where and how He set up the church and marriage. For me now compared to how I used to live it’s easier because I have something to look at as a guide. I used to be shooting in the dark using different people’s opinions and thoughts. It’s like trying to navigate using everyone else’s definitions vs when you have a standard then there is something to point toward.”

What do you think are the effects of purity culture on today’s generation?

LH: “I have two thoughts - it depends on people’s definition. If someone has a healthy understanding and what it’s actually intended for, it allows them to keep their emotions in check and be more intentional. It’s more quality over quantity with relationships. If it’s unhealthy, it can cause people to fall into sinful lifestyles when the understanding is I have to follow these rules and if I don’t then I’m bad. That’s an orphan mentality and it rules their patterns to fall into those things especially when it comes to sexual things. It could really hurt them and lead them to a place where they would do things they never thought they would or hurt them in a way they never thought they could be.”

JH: “I think in America, and I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but what I’ve noticed in our generation, especially for social media because we’re in social media, it’s great because we express ourselves and everybody’s open - but we’re not understanding how we are effecting each other. How women can effect men and how men can effect women when it comes to lust and things like that. Helping one another to keep each other pure in your own mind. If you want to talk about Jesus even more, how He talks about sinning is more than the actions we put out. It’s how we think as well. I think purity culture, and there are so many routes, the hookup culture is the one I can touch on the most about why it’s so bad. It had a profound effect on me and those around me. Men not stepping up and being real men - I’ll speak on the men’s side of things - there’s a difference in being a “nice guy” and good Godly man that wants to take care of the woman. To touch on the science side of it, you are creating chemical imbalances with one another that are worse than cocaine addictions - which in the terms of marriage is great. It’s designed that way but outside of that it can become so dangerous. That’s why we get so brokenhearted when we breakup. We can’t explain it. It didn’t work out and well, we didn’t agree, but I still love them and I still want to be with them even though it was so messy and I was so lost in it. I think when I dated someone and we didn’t have sexual relations and we did breakup, the breakup was so easy and simple vs before. When sex was involved it got incredibly messy. It’s like why do I still feel attached to this person even though we’re not on the same path? I definitely see the broad scope as how it affected me and I see it with the people around me as well. I don’t know if as a Christian, non-Christians should be held to the same standards, regardless there are things in the natural observable universe that we can see. These chemicals and things are very powerful and it should not be taken lightly regardless if you believe there is a God or not.”

“You are creating chemical imbalances with one another that are worse than cocaine addictions.”

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught by purity culture?

LH: “I agree with what I was taught in my 20s not with what was in my adolescence to teen years. That was all about rules and not an actual relationship with God. As I got older and took my faith more seriously I wanted to steward purity as opposed to those awkward teen years which are difficult to begin with. When you have people who mean well but who don’t have a healthy understanding of it themselves, they are going to repeat those unhealthy patters and you’re gonna struggle. They didn’t know better so I didn’t know better.”

Do you see purity culture’s effects in media, your hometown, your family, or your friends?

LH: “Absolutely. I totally do. I have seen it in main stream media as not only something that has been mocked but as judgmental, which is dangerous. We’ve entered into a culture which is dangerous in regards to sex parameters that says you can’t judge me with what I do. If we have an understanding of the God that set these things then if we hear harsh words from a friend it won’t be seen critically. We need more people like that. We need more people who do that - people who stand up. Who learn a culture of honor and respect. If we can’t honor and respect people then it translates into what we think is permissible and not permissible when it comes to sexual activities.”

JH: “It affects me, my friends, and social media. If we look at this through the Christian lens - we talk about lust and how social media is just an algorithm that pushes what you want to see. My feed is just Christian Tik Toks. Before it was women dancing and basically women being half naked. There is a problem with that because the expectation of reality is now blurred and that becomes dangerous. It goes into pornography - which we don’t have to go down that route - even in social media people are reflecting a falsehood about themselves in a sense. At least from a man’s perspective - you’re seeing people do things that trigger lustful desires on people you’ve never met and it subverts expectation and blinds you to reality - and to what relationships are supposed to look like. To what it means to be attracted to a woman. You can be attracted to them, that’s not a bad thing but when looks fade, what do you have left? You need to look at their heart and character. If all we’re seeing is physically based and not their heart - and we’re projecting the best and not the worst, it’s subverting expectations. We’re so quick to be like I love this person then hookup culture then comes the real dating. That’s not how it’s supposed to be set up. It’s more let’s hang out, get to know each other, really listen to what you believe, what do you not believe. Love is a choice. Love becomes a choice. It’s not a feeling, it’s driven by action then encompassed by feeling. You’re not gonna love someone everyday, it’s a commitment. You get married and have sex, it drives you toward each other. It’s different than what I see in social media and with my friends where it’s like I feel like I love you. We connect and then I get to know you, oh no we don’t merge on a lot of our thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. But now we’re in this together and it’s messy.”

What kind of moral, identity, or self-worth implications do you think purity culture has placed on people?

LH: “Again, this is two sided - healthy and unhealthy. From a healthy perspective it challenges you to see yourself the way God sees you because in Jesus doing what He did, God sees you the way Jesus does. From a healthy perspective we are able to walk in the identity that Jesus died and rose again to resurrect in us to be the fullness of who we are rather than us following rules. An unhealthy perspective can set an expectation that people are never good enough for themselves and they can try to follow the rules. They try and eventually people give up because they are missing the component of total heart surrender and community.”

JH: “It definitely affects me as I’m in the media industry. As a guy you see all the movies and the guy who’s super ripped. There’s Captain America who’s perfect and has a good sense of moral direction. As a guy, at least, you start comparing yourself physically - I think women do it too. I go to the gym and see these guys who are shredded, they look great. I don’t look like that. I’m this 5’7” small man and that’s not me. I think there’s this expectation for how you look first, then who you are. Especially because I’m on camera with what we do, I want to make sure I look good - which feeds into the problem of always putting on your best face and not really showing the reality. I think about dating and being a Christian and I’ve had relationships where I’ve lowered my standards to meet theirs and then fall victim to that. It’s nobody’s fault but my own because culture wants to say this is how we express love. This is how we should date. Why not hookup? Do you not love me? That can tear you down especially on the guy because you women are attractive. You guys get us somehow. You get under our skin. As a guy I think our sex drive can be more intense than women’s can be. When you’re a pretty girl and you have expectations and you want to get physical - as a man I’ve had to reshape how I want to carry myself in this culture. What standards I need to set for myself and carry that regardless if someone needs to get physical or not. I want to obey God and I fear God and I love God so I don’t want to do that. And the blessing from not doing that is way better in the long run than my short term feeding of the flesh and the desire I want in the moment. It also makes it hard because you want to hit certain mile stones and when the rest of the world is not like that, it’s difficult.”

“Rules rarely motivate anybody to change.”

Do you think your religion or lack thereof has something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree?

LH: “The New Testament identifies believers as saints more than it does Christians. When I talk to people about my faith I rarely use the word Christian because it has so many negative connotations. With purity culture, Christianity can be taken so negatively as it has become this unattainable expectation rather than what we grow toward. As we see ourselves as saints in place of wholeness we can see purity as something to be excited about rather than this I don’t know what to do and my thoughts are all over the place and my sex desire is too great and I don’t know how. We take a step back and surrender to God, He’s the one who created our sex drive and He never judges us for those things. He wants to be invited in to teach us how to better steward it. The Christian faith has painted it as a seemingly judgmental place but when you bring it to a place of being in relationship with Jesus it can bring freedom and an excitement that you can grow in.”

JH: “It’s kinda like what I’ve been saying already. Regardless if you’re a believer or not I think you can see in the observable universe there are causes and effects to what we do. I think Christianity and Yahweh, the God of the Bible, and Jesus of Nazareth set a standard that we can look to hit the target every time vs if you don’t. I think we are shooting in the dark and that’s when we’re getting into human flaw. We have to be careful with how you feel vs what’s in actual reality but when you say I feel this is right for purity culture, I feel I can do this. If there’s no standard then yeah, everyone’s right. If you say I think this is how relationships should be, if there’s no standard that we can look at then you are right but is it the best result for you? I feel like I’m touching on both things. Yes, religion, Christianity, can give us a clear cut here’s how it should be and in my mind can make it a lot easier. If you aren't a believer you can look at the observable universe and see what is the best cause and effect.”

Do you think your parents or boomers in general have something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree?

LH: “At least from my parents they grew up in a home, if we’re honest, where they never really got “a talk”. Back in their day it was more of an expectation to save sex ‘til marriage. It was a cultural expectation and because of that they didn’t necessarily need a strong faith understanding. It was more the norm. That’s amazing that it was the norm. But I disagree because if you are coming at it with I can’t do this until marriage there can be an unhealthy desire for it. While sex and marriage are great, the friendship will sustain it, not the sex.”

JH: “Hard for me to say. I would agree with my parents with how they raised me and then I didn’t listen and then I was like oh you were right. I think what is sad is what the older generation had that we don’t is courtship. From the guy’s side - taking her out on dates, meeting the father, asking the father’s permission for her hand in marriage - there’s a lot to that that really helps a man grow and understand the responsibility and severity of what it means to be in a relationship. I think the older generation, when it came to dating, they viewed it as when you get your driver’s license you really want to make sure you do it well because it’s a responsibility and a privilege. We live in an age now where we lost all the lead up for getting your license and we have these people driving cars that shouldn’t be driving cars. You have a lot of accidents and there’s a lot of mess to that because there weren’t the proper steps. Our generation decided to skip all the dates and they wanted to get into the physical and feelings. They had a route of I’m gonna take you on a date, do we like each other, let’s take it slow. Even if you wanna say people didn’t save themselves before marriage, at least they were taking the steps of let’s go on dates and let me respect you first. They set that standard that we don’t have today and that’s sad. I’m not saying everyone in America does that, I think it’s a lost art. I wouldn’t say it’s completely gone, I think we still believe in dates. Between the people I dated before I was a believer it was more Netflix and chill or let’s go hike and the recent person I dated was one where she respected herself and knew what type of guy she wanted to date. I also saw it with her dad. He set that standard for self-respect which made me have to meet that standard and it was awesome. It was so uncomfortable. At the end of it was like this guy that I wanted to be and in my world, in my zone, I don’t think that standard was set. Then I saw a new standard that was so high I was like huh I think I’ve been missing it. I think there’s something innate, something built in us, and when I started meeting that standard it just felt right and good, even when it was uncomfortable. Culturally I wasn’t raised that way. I rose to it and all of a sudden I was a trying to actively court her, take her on dates and dress up. Meet her dad and her family. Not just impress her but her father who was being a good dad by being like, whoever is dating my daughter needs to hit this standard and she will not date anyone less. It’s great pressure and it comes from the woman’s side of setting it. Guys need to rise to it and because she set it it made me want to rise to it. She helped me grow in so many ways. I tell so many people that even though we broke up, it was my favorite relationship I’ve ever had because I learned and grew in so many ways. It was because she helped me in that. Her setting her own high standard like that helped me to reshape and resize my own standard which I would never want to take back.”

Do you think men and women are taught/told different things about purity? If so what and do you agree?

LH: “Yes, definitely. I think with men there is more talk about I guess restricting and restraining themselves. In the culture that paints men as the enemy with the excuse of female empowerment it has created this culture of fear that healthy men have to walk in when it comes to healthy sexuality. The world is so hyper focused as what men could do wrong. I think it’s hard for them to even know how to walk and be seen as a threat because they’ve been treated that way. For women, it’s close your legs, don’t wear certain things. I think with women it’s very shame based. Not all the time but while what you wear is important it has to come from a place of identity. While believing that God is a father who wants to protect you, and there’s not enough of that, it needs to be motivated by a God who is a father and wants to protect you.”

JH: “I think in high school as a guy you would be praised for how many women you could sleep with where a women would be shamed for it. I think both are wrong. I think we are all people trying to figure out how to work with one another and on the man’s side - in the context of how men are taught - in high school I was taught that women want you to pursue them aggressively. But that can be taken wrong and there’s a difference with I want you to pursue me and I want to be a man that knows what I want and I want to be clear about my intentions. That can be skewed where I will pursue you no matter what you tell me and just power through it. I think we’re also told not to express our feelings as much and take on as much as we can. That in a relationship it’s supposed to be a team effort. I think there are standards that the guy needs to meet. I do think men have a certain role and women have a role. Men need to step up more. We need to be leaders that can come in different forms and you have to pursue well. You have to listen well. We are supposed to be servants and the Bible says to lay down your life. We’re literally supposed to serve and taking care of the people we’re trying to pursue. I don’t think that’s really taught. It’s just be macho, just pursue. Even if the girl is mad you’re still supposed to go after them and that’s all they want. There’s some truth to that but that doesn’t mean don’t listen. Be a strong leader but that does not mean don’t listen, don’t take care of her. Understand where she’s coming from. The best lies that are told are the ones rooted in truth and that’s the scariest thing. I was always taught to respect women and be a good, nice guy but was never really taught what that means. I think the God in the Bible shows that a good symbiotic relationship is I’m serving you 100% and you’re serving me 100%. You want me to thrive and I want you to thrive.”

Anything you want to elaborate on or talk about that hasn’t been asked?

LH: “Without knowing your identity as a beloved son or daughter, purity will do nothing for you. This has everything to do with believing in the God behind everything you are rather than performance and following rules. Rules rarely motivate anybody to change. A loving relationship however is the catalyst that will motivate men and women to fight for what’s right, love and honor people more fully. Walking in confidence as they step into the vision that God has given them for their lives.”

JH: “As a guy I just want to know what a girl thinks.”

Wrap up

I want to thank everyone who agreed to be interviewed over this past month. I had a blast hearing from everyone about their thoughts and feelings toward purity and purity culture. I hope you all had a good time hearing from them.

To me, purity and purity culture is the starting point for most conversations that we have. It pervades every part of life - not just sex and drinking - from racism to mental health to the language you use. Purity is the starting point for where your heart and mind are at when you come to relationships and moments in life.

There is a lot more to this and if you would like to have a deeper discussion with me on my views of purity and purity culture - reach out! I’d love to talk with you.

We are moving on from here to another topic. Check in next week to see what that will be!

Christy Windhausen 4/2/21 Christy Windhausen 4/2/21

Calling Out: Purity - Part 2

We’re back with part 2 of this 3 part series. This week we have a bit of a different take on purity. Grab your cup of tea, coffee, whatever and get ready for a ride.

On the mic tonight heralding from Seattle, WA is screenwriter Gabby Gore. We head straight down the coast to LA for animator Casey White. Finally, we pop over to Texas for screenwriter Chandler McGovern.

Just like before, the questions have remained the same. If they did not answer they either chose not to answer, they answered it in a previous question, or I didn’t ask.

Without further ado….

What does purity mean to you?

GG: “That’s a big question that I’ve never thought of before. If you had asked me that in high school I would’ve said something similar to society’s idea which is innocence and maintaining a sense of, I don’t know, morality. I think now that I’m older and I’ve experienced the world, my definition now is that it’s one of the covert systems of the patriarchy. It’s a weird masogony thing women harbor to critique themselves and other women. I think there’s a sense of innocence that comes with it but it’s been used as a weapon to keep women in line in these patriarchal systems.”

CW: “Two things - first is the purity of people. It’s not clean or good but authenticity. The authentic pure. When you’re a child, there’s naivety and childish. They are original as in they haven’t been influenced yet - it’s that unadulterated, not negative or positive, they’re untouched. Not to say that it’s good, being a really good person and keeping yourself from alcohol and sex - I think more of a child running around playing with butterflies in a Target parking lot. Second - on a cosmic scale, pure is like an environment that hasn’t been touched by man. Fresh powder [snow] is pure. If I were to run through it, it wouldn’t be pure anymore. You have to look at the opposite of manipulation - really, I know what purity isn’t.”

CM: “Purity to me is totally equal with sex. I never heard it without that context. It’s the image of the white wedding dress and all that implies. I’m not necessarily thinking this is clean and this is dirty, it’s about a woman’s purity and not a man’s virginity. It’s something that I bought into when I was younger and I fully believed that I had to wait ‘til marriage and it was this massive sin if you don’t and as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to see it’s not that black and white. It doesn’t mean it’s something good but something used as control.”

Who taught you about purity? Was it explicitly said or was it implicit?

GG: “Implicit. Definitely not by my parents, we never had a purity or sex talk. My parents are very liberal but once I turned 13 my dad said, ‘I feel like you can make your own decisions’ and he let me pick my own path with God and Jesus. We don’t really talk about religion, no lessons were ever forced by him. Everything I heard [explicitly] was from the church. It was never a religious thing though. It was never a God shames you, it was this is what happens in your privacy and you don’t need to talk about it. I think growing up, the idea of purity came from the media. I remember in middle school it was a huge fad with purity rings when Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers were showing theirs off. I came into this rebellious mindset because I wanted to. I wanted to learn about it [sex] even though I wasn’t doing it and appear like I knew everything. I lived in Idaho at the time - there were so many Mormons - who are lovely people, I just don’t agree with what they believe. They were so anti-anything and had this disbelief that you don’t own your body and only your husband can touch your body down there. I was like, this is stupid.”

CW: “I think you’re taught and you have those bliss moments when you’re at the ski lodge. You see those angelic moments. I have been taught, maybe not by people who said it explicitly, but by people’s actions. I think loudness - if I hang out with those who are loud I think, that’s not peace. I look at the actions of those I hang out with and when I’m alone, finding what’s blissful. It’s kind of Buddhist - this riddle of life. You have to catch those brief moments, it’s always in the background and it takes a little meditation and zen. You have to clear your mind and then you’re sitting there in the zone. once you realize it then you’re like oh shit I have it. That’s when you lose it and have to get it back. I went to church as a kid and I don’t think that had anything to do with it. Church just taught me about rules, not peace.”

CM: “A little bit of both. I went to church when I was younger and lived in a really Christian conservative suburban area. Even when we weren’t talking about God and the Bible and what was expected, it was always present. Until I got to high school it never even occurred to me that someone couldn’t wait ‘til marriage. I even went to a Christian college and no one talked about it because we all knew what the rules were. In school the only time we had sex education was when we had “the talk”. I don’t remember it very well. I think it focused on our periods and to wait or we’ll get STD’s or pregnant. Abstinence was all that was talked about.”

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught about purity?

GG: “I disagree a lot and I still kinda disagree with purity culture today. It’s being a lot more covert than what it was in middle school. It was being in your face with purity rings and saving yourself ‘til marriage. The celebs who pushed it were very much about it being my choice and it should be a meaningful experience with your husband and I was like that’s bullshit. I had a lot of self-love issues in middle school and high school. I felt I was unworthy of romantic love and if I never found that then I would never have sex. I was a horny bitch and I was like, I can’t die a virgin! I wanted to know this and I was under this impression that no one was gonna find me attractive or marry me - that was one of the reasons I was against it. I do find some of the tactics interesting because they’ve changed it. Instead of don’t engage in hook up culture, it depends on the person. Like, if you are using [sex] as a form of addiction or self-harm then yes, I agree but also, it’s saying you have to be in a loving long term relationship for sex. I think for those who can enjoy the act of sex and it’s consensual and they aren’t harming themselves or others then why does it matter what they do?”

CW: “I agree, erm, when I was in the church as a Catholic, I didn’t have any cognizance to apply it to life. It was only when I left the church that I did. By the time I started thinking about life and formulating my philosophies on life, was it then that I started finding things. I do agree because I don’t think I had found anything yet. I bounced around a lot. I ran from philosophy to different philosophy and it’s ok to take different pieces from things - you take what you need in life and that’s where I am now. That’s what I know. I’m still open to finding purity and it’s a constant thing to what you’re seeing and knowing about. It’s just a journey.”

CM: “I disagree because it created this really deeply ingrained guilt and shame about my own sexuality from a very early age that I didn’t even confront until I was a junior or senior in college. I remember being terrified of dating because a boy might want to move faster or want sex and I’d have to say no. I was so scared of that. When I started realizing that waiting wouldn’t make or break my chances in heaven but it was more about controlling women. I tried voicing those opinions and tried to start those conversations but I got shut down every time. My senior year of college I was reading Amy Poehler’s book and there was a chapter about losing her virginity that said, “Keep your virginity for as long as you can, until it starts to feel weird to you. Then just get it over with.” That really resonated with me. I went to my roommate and she shut me down so fast like that’s a sin, I can’t believe you’re even thinking that. She doesn’t buy into that anymore. Yeah, even that I was so scared because of shame and fear I didn’t talk to anyone for years. I don’t think that’s healthy, I really don’t. They put so much pressure on every budding relationship it’s so hard to have those kind of conversations instead of going at the pace that makes sense for us.”

“It’s a paradox. If purity is untouched then culture is touching. There’s no such thing as purity culture.”

What does purity culture mean to you?

GG: “It’s a way to police women and not necessarily control. I think it’s still a way to tell women what is and what isn’t ok to do or want with their bodies. When 50 Shades of Grey came out, they discovered there was a huge audience that was desperate for that kind of content. Now there are definitely issues with this book and it doesn’t portray the BDSM community in a positive light but there are women who want it. And instead of talking about legitimate criticisms it talked down to women would actually be interested in that subject matter. I think when it comes to purity culture and the harmful views of culture, the views on sex, they like to say you are wrong for even liking things like this. They condemn women who want to embrace things like this or anything but a monogamous vanilla relationship. It’s hurting women. They’re saying it’s fine if you want to wait ‘til marriage but it needs to mirror what sex in marriage looks like. It’s fine if you want to have sex before marriage but if you have anything that’s not heteronormative then it’s not ok. I still see that now as we move to a more sex positive culture. I see so many teen shows where the whole plot is keeping the girl from losing her virginity. Usually she’s in it 110% and wants to do it but someone else tells her to stop because they think she will take the wrath of shame. I want to see a woman in a show who wants it 110% and there are no negative effects. I get it if she’s not all in or is being manipulated but if this is something you are consenting to, at the end of the day this is your body.”

CW: “[laughs] I would say it’s a paradox. If purity is untouched then culture is touching. It’s the idea that culture is telling people what to do and purity is just being. If you tell people what to be - there’s no such thing as purity culture. This is Catcher In The Rye. It sounds like, fuck, I don’t know. It sounds like someone’s trying to be pure really hard and that’s the complete opposite. It’s like trying to be zen. It’s like you’re making these rules - there’s not one way to find purity and if you’re having these people who are making these rules - think of the 70s when people wanted to find peace, it quickly directed you to have to do things a certain way and people were forming large communes. It’s a quick way to lose your path. I think doctrines are way to lose your purity. Go to the evangelical way that tells you more than that, they say, ‘woah, woah let’s not do that’. Alan Watts said it’s like “making rough water smooth with a flat iron.”

CM: “It’s deeply ingrained in the church because I grew up in the south and to me, it feels like the norm that you have to wait ‘til marriage and if you don’t…it’s that Mean Girls quote, “Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant and die”. It’s also really toxic for growth and the self-exploration that you need to be a healthy, fully functioning, independent adult with a full view of sex and relationships.”

Do you feel as though purity culture affects you and your decisions?

GG: “I don’t do things or choose things in order to stick it to purity culture. It might inform my decision because it’s a reaction to it but I don’t let it in itself be the driving force.”

CW: “It shouldn’t. If by purity culture we are talking about humans that are telling you what to do then I will see that and get angry. If I see it too often, I will try to understand them but I will reject them. I don’t want to overdramatize my role in the world but we are a speck of dust and I’m only going to be a speck. I’m like you have to be dust man. They just make noise. I try not to get angry, you don’t need that all the time. It’ll cloud your judgement and it’s something you have to let go of.”

CM: “Yes. I do. I think, you know, the more I become aware and the more I educate myself on it I have started to dismantle it in my brain that I have been built on guilt and shame. It has played a really big role on the relationships I’ve had and haven’t had.”

What do you think are the effects of purity culture on today’s generation?

GG: “Because it’s trying to be more covert, it’s messing with their heads with what they think is ok. Before if someone released a photo without your consent it was shared and that was your fault. What were you thinking to even be naked. Now, we’re moving to whatever photo is shared, they’re the asshole. That’s how it should’ve always been. As we’re gaining more awareness about our bodies, we’re listening to victims and those with sex trauma - the more liberated we are the more sneaky the patriarchy has to be. It’s trying to be more shameful. Like, if you are trying to be anything that’s not monogamous, people don’t like that because they don’t understand polyamory. It’s all very heteronormative. There isn’t any space for the LGBTQ community and their voice. If we’re not giving them a space then it feels really, really taboo.”

CW: “We’re all on the Internet and looking for community and somewhere to belong or something to believe in. Whatever comes up on your for you page, you don’t know what you will absorb. We are listening and the louder the voice of purity culture is - well we make decisions. We can ignore it, be a part of it, or reject it. Of course we are a part of it in this modern globalized community. I like to think of Spain because they cleaned their slate after WWII when Marco and fascism died. Spain saw that and said, we’re just gonna forget it even happened. So, they erased it and forgave everyone who said they were sorry and wouldn’t do it again. They didn’t teach about Hitler or fascism. Now, there’s a revival of fascism and they’re alt-right. They’re very good at making propaganda and sending it out. There’s neofascism rising because they said, we are pure. Reporters go to children and ask if they know what fascism is and the kids say, ‘who’s Marco? What’s fascism?’ They're saying this is the pure party and we can only be this. These kids who are untouched or pure are now showing up to these parties and everyone is pure. [laughs] Wait, it’s a clashing of purity. Both sides think they are pure.”

CM: “I feel like I sometimes understand Gen Z the most. Some of them are so much older than us [Millennials]. I honestly don’t really know. I think moving from Texas to LA was so helpful because I was able to meet people who didn’t grow up in purity culture and had sex positive education. It created more confident adults. We need to strive for less guilt and less shame. I think Millennials and Zillennials internalize that until they realize they don’t need to carry it and that’s not healthy. For example I have a cousin who is so uncomfortable with her body and I think it’s part of purity culture. She didn’t even know how to tighten her bra straps because it covers her boobs and that’s a sex organ. And that’s an extreme example.”

“I think purity culture is a way to police women - to tell them what is and what isn’t ok to do with their bodies.”

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught by purity culture?

GG: “I disagree. It makes me feel like there’s only one way to see it - a proper sexual person - and I don’t agree with that. I was never a wait ‘til marriage type of person, I was always a pretty sexual person and that was important to me in a relationship. I think if I had waited ‘til I was in a committed relationship then I’d still be a virgin and I’m not ok with that. I haven’t found Mr. Right and I don’t know when I will. I see myself and I might not find Mr. Right until my late 30s and that’s ok. But the thought that I might not find Mr. Right until my late 30s and not have sex until then is not ok.”

CM: “I disagree wholeheartedly because I don’t think it prepared me to be a sexually active adult. I think if I had waited ‘til marriage then I wouldn’t have been prepared for marriage. I felt for Daphne in Bridgerton and I know a lot of people made fun of her, but I think her character was real. It would’ve happened. I don’t think it’s good to boil it down that women have to be subservient or that only men want sex. It’s damaging to women because when women have those feelings they don’t know what to do with it. You shouldn’t feel shame for being human. I can’t stress enough how much shame is tied to this.”

Do you see purity culture’s effects in media, your hometown, your family, or your friends?

GG: “In media, it’s being covert. I think it’s so interesting with my friends and I think it’s purely geography, the culture you grew up in. My friends in Seattle have completely different life plans and goals. None of them have any plans to get married in the next few years. I have friends who haven’t ever been in committed relationships and have no plans to do so. We’re all comfortable with that. We’re totally fine with living our lives and we’re fine with it. I went to grad school and met others whose worlds are so different. Like, they’re the last one of their friends to get married and they think, what’s wrong with me, I thought I would be further along, I thought I would have kids by now. It’s so interesting to see how that idea of relationships has impacted their sense of time. That was not the world I lived in Seattle. It also talks about being a mom and this myth that if you don’t have kids by 33 then your eggs with shrivel up and die. The infertility talk is always around the woman and not the guy. It might be the guy. There’s also this idea that you should only be having sex if you want to have a kid and that’s not true. If we’re gonna be shaming them now, then we’re gonna scare them that they won’t have kids unless they start now.”

CW: “Yeah. I grew up in a small country town where you’re a farmer and you are told that you believe in God and that’s the easiest, widespread, universal culture that tells you right or wrong. There are people who attach themselves to that. My mother is a part of that and she tries her best to stick to the rules. I have a friend who is a nihilist who doesn’t believe in anything and who’s negative, which is the first step. In his rejection he thinks he’s haughty and true. He surrounds himself with that and he’s angsty. In my immediate surroundings? Yeah. My brothers were raised Catholic like me and now they don’t think about church. They were raised on a bedrock of it, it subconsciously sticks with them. You get a mix of people who are here who are told rules they believe will lead them to purity and others who are working who are trying to make money and trying to do the right thing - trying to make a living. We’re told by capitalism that’s the only way to do it.”

CM: “Yeah I see it everywhere. I think I see it less with the friends I have now but more with my friends that I grew up with because it affected everything we did. With the boys we dated or didn’t date because we were scared to go into that realm. You see it all the time in media and television even if it’s so subtle. The only thing I can think of off the top of my head was Margot Robbie in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. How she was sex symbol but made to look childlike, with this childlike innocence. It was like purity incarnate.”

What kind of moral, identity, or self-worth implications do you think purity and purity culture has placed on people?

GG: “Your morality is tied to sexual history and how you choose to present yourself sexually. I think of all the backlash when the song WAP came out and the comments those same people make when male artists objectified women in their songs. It’s the whole definition of Catch 22 that if you’re a man you have to have lots of sex and women have to be virgins. That in order to be a man you have to assert your sex dominantly and women will be whores. We still see that now when a woman tries to reclaim that power and sexuality, there’s a pushback from men that you shouldn’t do that or they don’t like that. That every decision I make is for a male’s attention but our decision’s aren’t based off of them. I think there’s still a whole sense of morality to it. Like Cardi B is not taken seriously when she tries to bring up real issues but if someone keeps their issues private they’ll listen to them. It’s a similar thing. A better example, Kim Kardashian. There are actual criticisms you can have against her like her cultural appropriations but the main argument they always use is that she got famous from a sex tape and the thing is that it was consensual sex tape. It just got leaked against her knowledge. If you’re gonna believe women then you have to believe all women. And if that’s what you’re using to knock her down then that’s pure purity culture and it’s patriarchal bullshit.”

CW: “Immediately I think of drinking and drugs. It’s funny because marijuana is the least lethal drug and drinking is so much more lethal. Subconsciously it’s like don’t do marijuana but they make bars a fucking thing where you can go kill yourself - and don’t get me started on sugar, it’s worse than alcohol. Of course everyone says don’t drink when you’re a kid but at a certain age you can drink and they’re like sure - it’s an odd thing that people tell you to be pure of. Slut shaming is a big thing. It’s still a joke with hookers and prostitution. Being a janitor is less pure - I don’t know why certain jobs are less pure than others. I don’t know why going to college, getting an apartment, and having all this debt is more pure. But being bohemian, since it’s not the traditional thing, is impure. I don’t know why men sleeping around is touted and advertised as normal but when women do it, they can’t. And we’re being more broad here. Purity is what’s not looked down on. Everyone has a little bit in them and you have these things you say that are good and right and are pure. Immediately there’s a tick because you have biases created by culture and they are instinctive, even if you don’t say it. I do think there are inherent structures that everyone is told what it is to be a good human being. If you see it, you are put off by it and that self-worth thing is affected by it. Worse than that, if you are unemployed in a capitalist society you think, I have no worth because I have no job. Purity culture is just telling people what is right and wrong. It’s an easy doorway to make a value judgement on people and easier on that you are making judgements on yourself.”

CM: “Inherently it lowers people’s self-worth because you build your self-worth by denying an essential part of you which is sexuality which you either never confront or you do and you feel feelings that are totally normal. I don’t think it’s right to deny oneself in that way. It’s important to treat sex properly, that you can get a disease and can get pregnant, but you shouldn’t deny it altogether. It’s a very intimate act and you should be consenting adults but you shouldn’t be denying it and that’s what purity culture asks you to do. When 50% of marriages end in divorce you can’t say that marriage is the end all be all. You have to look for companionship and partnership.”

“You shouldn’t feel shame for being human.”

Do you think your religion or lack thereof has something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree with it?

CW: “Yes and no. If you are a Taoist monk you will be asked, ‘what are you’ and you will answer, ‘I’m a human’. They’re very hard to talk about. If you go to a priest they are so specific because they’re thinking about it a lot. If you are a theist and you believe in something you are immediately setting up rules in your mind, economics besides, as to what is good and right and pure. Atheists are people that just don’t think about it that often.”

CM: “Girl, yeah. I feel like Christinas are at the forefront of purity culture and not in the good way. They tell us not to judge and then they go ‘I’m gonna judge you’.”

Do you think your parents or boomers in general have something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree with it?

GG: “I think it depends on the boomer. I think they are still trying to sus out what they are ok with. They are forward with accepting new thoughts and liberal boomers are going to be more accepted and open. I’m a child of a messy divorce so when it comes to the endgame of purity culture, as in getting married, my parents are not pushing for me to do so. They more want me to figure out my life, however they want grandkids but they also expressed that they don’t want me to have kids out of wedlock. I am confusion [laughs]. I don’t think it’s purity culture with my mom because nowhere in my family did they say Jesus wants you to wait ‘til marriage, they just didn’t talk about it. I don’t think it was a religious thing, I think it was a prude thing. It’s just where she’s at. I know my mom gets weirded out if a couple has a baby before they get married. She’s like that’s out of order. Specifically my mom thinks that marriage is the true last word that proves you are 110% committed to someone. That the most important relationship you have with someone is with your spouse, excluding kids, that’s the one that holds the ultimate weight. When I have gone on trips with friends she is always second guessing my decisions and I think if I was married and said my husband and I were going somewhere she’d say ok, have fun. It’s just this huge emphasis on marriage and it being the ultimate thing.”

CW: “I think they’re the first to talk about it. Again once you start talking about it, you lost it. That generation was the group after the greatest generation of the greatest war who took down the baddest bad guy - and then they had children [the boomers]. They tried to live up to that promise and they either did and that’s the nuclear family or you get the hippies or you get Vietnam and people with PTSD and the dive into nihilism and this dive into how purity culture began. The ramifications after WWII, everyone agreed that they were good and right - we’re the third generation down - often the boomers who reject and are trying to stick to their values want a comfy blanket. That’s what the boomers are doing in the face of purity culture. They go, no I’m right and I’m good and I’m going to be safe and sound and I’m not going to be sad. People cling to that because it makes the feel safe and we are living in a generation that is beginning to question the effects of those who are screaming at us from their blankets. I’m not saying you should take off your blanket, everyone has a blanket - even I have a blanket.”

Do you think men and women are taught/told different things about purity? If so what? Do you agree?

GG: “I think there is still the narrative with women that you should be in a committed relationship and it sucks because men can’t get pregnant. Anything that happens is your fault and you have to deal with it. Men inflict it and women have to deal with it. There’s a lot of fear. At the end of the day you have to deal with a child, if that’s what comes from it. So many men send dick pics and you don’t see them losing their jobs but if a nude photo of a woman leaks it ruins her life. I think there’s still whole things with men that are patriarchal - that the only way to see a man is to conquer, so they get away with a lot of things sexually and they don’t have to deal with a lot of things sexually either. STD’s effect both male and female but guys can get a woman pregnant and never know he has a kid. It leaves an awful power balance. In order for self-preservation you have to be pure and if you are a woman who is interested in sex you have this whole society telling you not to. It’s so dumb.”

CW: “Yeah, I think there’s a difference in what you’re told. Women are still seen as sexual objects and are told in certain places that you have to get a man or not. You are told certain things about what is good sexually and men are not told that. They are told nothing. They are engrained with - they dick around. They joke around about sex and send photos. They are not told about their sexual role or identity. This all comes with a grain of salt since I am a man. We are not often told how to be seen or how to act. We are not told how to act unless you go to church then everyone is given the base line. In the Bush Era everyone went to high school and was told drinking is bad. Sex is bad and we won’t event tell you about unprotected sex. We won’t even give you a condom and immediately pregnancy was on the rise. That’s when the abortion conversation began. Yes, is my point. Being a man, oh fuck, you have to be tough. Get a good job, take care of your family. Also, don’t wear dresses or eyeliner or make up. These are the pillars that are engrained in us through TV and religion. I think that’s hindered society. America is such a young country and we think it would behoove us to keep out women from conversations and not keep out men from those purity conversations.”

CM: “I think, in a church setting, we’re probably taught the same things - that it’s a gift and wait. But, I think in practice we see this really differently where women are expected to hold to that because your virginity is a gift and if you don’t you’re a whore or a slut. Where men are told these things but they’re not expected to act in the same way women are. If they don’t wait it’s like they’re told good for you champ. I don’t think that’s fair.”

Anything you want to elaborate on or talk about that hasn’t been asked?

GG: “If it’s consensual and it’s not hurting anyone then, you do you.”

CW: “Yes. If you were to ask how do I live purely? I constantly question myself and my biases. I have a formed path that is defined as Casey-ism which is in the sphere of optimistic cosmic nihilism. There are 4 doctrines or rules. The first is: don’t be a dick. Most people follow it. The second: what can you be, then just be. It’s very easy to be and the cynical nihilist will come to me and go what? Number three: do. It’s very easy. Do what? Do anything but don’t be a dick. Number four: everything matters and yet nothing matters. It’s paradoxical - you are a human being and you have a consciousness but nothing matters. You could get struck by a bus so it doesn’t really matter but I’m sure what you’re doing right now does. On a universal point nothing matters and it’s very freeing.”

Well, that’s all we have for now. Tune in next week for the part 3 - our last and final part of this purity series.

What does purity mean to you?

Who taught you about purity? Was it explicitly said or was it implicit?

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught about purity?

What does purity culture mean to you?

Do you feel as though purity culture effects you and your decisions?

What do you think are the effects of purity culture on today’s generation?

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught by purity culture?

Do you see purity culture’s effects in media, your hometown, your family, or your friends?

What kind of moral, identity, or self-worth implications do you think purity culture has placed on people?

Do you think your religion or lack thereof has something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree?

Do you think your parents or boomers in general have something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree?

Do you think men and women are taught/told different things about purity? If so what and do you agree?

Anything you want to elaborate on or talk about that hasn’t been asked?

Wrap up

What does purity mean to you?

Who taught you about purity? Was it explicitly said or was it implicit?

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught about purity?

What does purity culture mean to you?

Do you feel as though purity culture affects you and your decisions?

What do you think are the effects of purity culture on today’s generation?

Do you agree or disagree with what you were taught by purity culture?

Do you see purity culture’s effects in media, your hometown, your family, or your friends?

What kind of moral, identity, or self-worth implications do you think purity and purity culture has placed on people?

Do you think your religion or lack thereof has something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree with it?

Do you think your parents or boomers in general have something to say about purity and purity culture? If so, what and do you agree with it?

Do you think men and women are taught/told different things about purity? If so what? Do you agree?

Anything you want to elaborate on or talk about that hasn’t been asked?

WE ARE: the ecclesia